I finally look him in the eye. “We promised never to speak of this. You made me sign papers to make sure I never change my mind or say a word. So why disclose it to a stranger?” I feel a cold chill envelop my body even though I’m fully covered and Jeff still holds me tightly.
“He didn’t look like nothing, judging from the way you were looking at him. He and you looked like something. I can’t lose you again. When I found out you got married, I couldn’t go on with my life. I hated Jacqueline and everything she stood for. I hated not being able to see you every day and love you. I couldn’t even look at the twins. Sometimes, they look just like you. If only things were different. I love you, Sara,” he says with tears running down his face, a face I know better than my own.
I hold my wrists flush against my heart like I always do. He’s the only one who knows that the names of our children are tattooed in white ink on the inside of my wrists. Their beautiful names were the only thing I gave them. I didn’t carry them in my empty womb! I didn’t give birth to them! I was just the donor, the anonymous facilitator to bring about their existence. I just happen to know and love their father with everything I have and all that I am.
He takes my wrists in his hands and brings them to his lips. He kisses first one and then the other. If their names weren’t there, I’d probably have slashed my wrists many moons ago. I stay alive for them, just in case they’ll ever need me.
“If only things were different, we would have had such a beautiful life, baby. We would raise our family the way we’ve always imagined and talked about. I would go to bed and wake up with you every morning. God, I love you,” he cries out, kissing the inside of my wrists over and over.
We’re both quiet, no doubt wishing our what ifs were real, when we hear a loud sound outside the room. At first, I’m startled, but then I let myself believe that it’s Liam and hope blooms inside me once again as my heart starts to beat with purpose. He must’ve come back for me, I think foolishly. A minute later, I see Louis Bruel filling the doorway, holding his wife in his arms. My best friend is crying like a baby. He looks at me and in this moment, I know exactly what I’ve done. I know exactly why she’s crying; I did this, too.
“If I Could Turn Back Time” by Cher
“Em, why don’t I leave you to talk to Sara while I go have a word with Jeff,” Louis says to his beautiful wife, whom I don’t deserve to know, let alone call my best friend. She shakes her head, still sobbing and holding on to him for dear life. “Shhh…that’s your best friend, little girl. She needs you, she’s hurting, too, baby. You know you can’t assume anything until she tells you the truth herself,” he says, proving that I don’t deserve to know him, either.
As I watch and listen to Louis speak to his wife, I think back to Liam and his low opinion of this man. I wish we both got the chance to see what was on that video. I wish he knew Louis like I know him. Isa didn’t just fall in love with a handsome guy, she fell in love with Louis Bruel for the beautiful, loving man that he is, was, and always will be. But I don’t think Liam will ever accept and understand that. It’s ironic that I’m being held tightly in Jeff’s arms, the arms I’ve dreamt about every night for the last fifteen years of my life, and all I can think about is Liam.
I see Louis walk deeper into the room and gently place Emily down on the untouched second bed, lowering his head to kiss her temple as he whispers something inaudible in her ear. She nods in agreement and turns to face the window. He then walks over to Jeffery, who continues to clutch me tightly, and without a single word, takes me from his arms and carries me over placing me next to Em.
“Make it better, we’ll be downstairs,” he tells me and walks out of the room, motioning for Jeff to