It’s scary when your best friend, who usually can’t shut up, is just silent. She stares out the window right past me as if I’m invisible, and in many ways, I wish I were. I wonder what’s going through her mind? I don’t know how to make it better. What can I possibly say to make her hate me less? I have no excuse for being a lying bitch my whole life. I’d rather have her near and not say a single world than have her torn away from me, too. I decide to just wait and say nothing. If she wants me to explain, I’ll tell her everything. Even if it hurts and rips me to shreds, I’ll tell her everything… I can’t protect her from my ugly truth with my beautiful lies anymore. It’s time she knows who I really am, and if she still wants to know me once I say the unsayable, I’ll count it as one of my rare blessings.
She finally looks me in the eyes and says softly after a silence that felt like eternity, “‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ by Bette Midler.”
That song is all I’ll ever need to know that I’m not alone, that I’ve never been alone. I don’t have words to express my emotions and the love I feel for this loyal woman who tolerates me. She’s the only one who ever really loved me. How could I ever question and agonize over her opinion of my choices? Why didn’t I trust her enough to know she would never judge or hate me? Wasn’t she the little girl sitting with flowers at my ballet recitals when nobody else remembered to come? Wasn’t she the first person and sometimes the only person to wish me a happy birthday at midnight? Isn’t she the only one who always tried to make me smile?
That song is equivalent to the Holy Grail in our ‘80s dialect. She couldn’t have chosen a more meaningful song if she tried and she knows it. This is the song that started it all; the song that she sang and danced to in our sixth grade talent show. I fell in love with Emily Marcus almost twenty years ago when I heard her sing that song, which I’d felt she sang just for me. I knew at that moment she would be my best friend forever. I created our own secret language just to strengthen our bond more. Our mothers were already good friends and I wanted her to be just mine. My whole life, I tried to impress her, shock her, and I really didn’t need to. She would have loved me even if I wasn’t The Sara; she would be my best friend even if I were just Sara. All I needed was to be honest with her. Everybody makes mistakes and everybody hurts in different ways. I was a lying coward when all she gave me was unconditional love.
“I love you so much. Please forgive me. I’m sorry about everything,” I say, squeezing her and melting into her embrace. “I should’ve told you everything. You wouldn’t hate me, you would understand. I’m such a loser; I was ashamed. Please forgive me for all the lies,” I cry out into her hair.
“Sara, stop it! There is nothing for me to forgive. The only person that you need to ask for forgiveness is yourself. I’ve known you my whole life, and I’ve always known all the stories were a bunch of lies. I never believed for one second you were the slut you pretended to be. I let you be whatever you wanted to be because I love you. How could you be a slut if all you’ve ever wanted was love? Sluts don’t break down love songs and study them like the word of God. I always knew it was Jeffery. I could see him in your eyes and I could see the way he looked at you, I just didn’t understand what you two actually shared until now. I’m upset with myself because I know how much you’re hurting and I wish I could make it better, but I don’t know how.”
Her words are a solace to my aching heart. She could’ve made hundreds of horrible, painful moments so much better if I had only let her. I always thought the truth would hurt everybody around me, but the truth would’ve made my life and all my stupid choices bearable.