she and I would have made love in, the room that would have given us a future, and I feel numb. I know there is nothing left of my heart anymore. I walk out and head towards the staircase. I take one more look towards the room where I left my pride and see Louis and Emily sitting on the floor by the door watching me run away. I whisper, “I’m sorry” to Emily as she shakes her head with tears rolling down her face. I don’t care anymore; both those birds are not mine, and I just keep running.
“Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper
Why won’t he look at me? He doesn’t understand. I haven’t told him everything yet. “Liam!” I try to make him look at me. “Liam, please let me explain!” I say over and over as he stands with his back to me and gets dressed. “Liam, please look at me,” I beg like a child. But I don’t think he can hear me. It’s as if he turned some switch off. Jeff holds me in his arms and won’t let me move. I try to free myself, I want to run to him, hold on to him. I need to tell him everything. He can’t think that I lied to him.
“Baby, please calm down. Let him go. You don’t need him, I’m here,” Jeffery whispers down at me.
Of course I need him; I don’t need anybody but him. I replay the whole scene that just took place. I haven’t stopped yelling and crying out for Liam to come back for me, to look at me. He promised to be my friend. He promised to help me get through this and he just fucking left. He walked out the door and didn’t even look at me. He didn’t say goodbye—he just ran away. My heart aches; my poor, stupid heart breaks into pieces that have left my body and are now halfway down the street running after him. If Jeff would just let go of me, I’d run down the street with all the scattered pieces of my heart to try and explain everything. I’m hysterical as I fight and yell, but nothing’s happening. I’m still in Jeffery’s arms where I always end up.
In the end, karma always wins, and I always get what I deserve; I get nothing. I’m too weak to keep fighting and yelling. I have no one to be angry with but myself. I did this! I made my bed and I shall die in it. The only reason I haven’t run away from all the lies and this place I once believed was home is because of them. I just exist for them! I see them almost every day as they go to school. Jeff sends me pictures and I trick my mind into thinking I’m a part of their world. I haven’t missed a single milestone and yet they wouldn’t know who I was if they passed me on the street. They don’t know I’m their mother, but I know they’re mine. My matter and his matter made them and they will always be ours, whether or not they or anybody else knows the truth. In my heart and in my bones, they’re mine. Nobody can take that away from me.
“Sara, baby, who was he?” Jeffery finally asks once my fucking tears decide to stop, because they’re not stupid like me, they understand it’s too late.
“He was nothing,” I say, trying to convince myself and Jeff simultaneously of yet another lie. He really was nothing. He was probably just using me to get closer to the Bruels. Right? Right, Sara? And yet it hurts so much, it hurts like a thousand knives and a thousand bullets. It hurts like everything else that I get only a little taste of before it gets ripped away from me.
“Did you let him fuck you?” Jeff asks, and his question actually makes me laugh. It somehow sounds absurd.
“No, we didn’t fuck!” I answer, not sure if that’s good or bad. I don’t think that having sex with Liam would be classified as “fucking” even if fate did let us have a few more moments together. When we were together, I saw hope, I almost tasted it, and now I’m back to my reality. I should’ve known no one would ever choose me when given the chance.
“Why did you tell him about the kids? You never call your children our kids. Why now?” I ask, as