something. He kept talking about how college was gonna be his fresh start, how he was looking for breathing room, and I said something similar, and then we just … I don’t know, Codi, the next thing I knew we were making out in the dorm room, and he kept saying, ‘I’ve never done this, have you done this?’ and I didn’t know what to do.”
Ricky was looking imploringly at me, as if I could tell him what it all meant. I knew I couldn’t; I also knew it wasn’t mine to make sense of anyway.
“Are you scared?” I asked him.
He let out a long breath. I thought he would look away from me, but he didn’t.
“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I’m really scared.”
We stared at each other. Then I said, “Tell me.”
“It’s closing in on me,” he said, his eyes getting wet. “This whole time, I’ve thought maybe I was just this cool, unbound person who was down for anything, girls and guys. But I’m feeling more and more like it’s—like it’s guys—and what if I don’t want that to be true? What if I don’t want to be Ricky the gay guy? What if I just want to be Ricky the football player, the business student, the guy who throws parties for his friends? I keep thinking about the night we met, how it must have looked to you, walking along minding your own business and suddenly there’s this big football player chasing down another dude ’cause he wants to make out with him, ’cause he can’t stop wanting this dude no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much he acts like it’s a casual thing … Codi, I don’t wanna be that guy you saw. I don’t want to be that.”
“Ricky,” I said gently, “you’re not that guy. You wanna know how I saw you? I wasn’t walking along minding my own business, I was walking along with knots in my stomach, terrified to go to your party but even more terrified that maybe I wanted to go. I felt like there was some secret knowledge everyone else had that I didn’t have and they would take one look at me and know. And then you appeared out of nowhere and you were everything I wanted to be. You were this cool, rebellious senior who threw a party that everybody wanted to come to, and then you ditched your own party to kiss somebody you really wanted to kiss. And when he freaked out and ran away, you stayed there, looked me straight in the eye, and asked me who I was. That’s the guy you are, Ricky! The guy who goes after things and shows other people how to go after them, too.”
His eyes were red and watery. He wiped them and said, “You make me sound a lot cooler than I am.”
“Maybe you just have a skewed perception of yourself.”
He laughed, still wiping his face. “Who does that sound like?”
I smiled in spite of myself. “Fine. Maybe I’ve been telling myself a story about who I am, and maybe that story isn’t true. But you’ve been doing the same thing.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Do you really like this guy? Eric? Would you be happy if he asked you to hang out?”
Ricky looked off to the side, chewing his lip. He was silent for a full minute, and then he said something very quietly, something that landed pure and vulnerable in the space between us.
“I’d be happier if Tucker asked me.”
It was a huge thing, him saying that. We both stayed silent, letting it settle, letting it breathe.
After about thirty seconds, Ricky looked over at me. We locked eyes, and I nodded.
“What do I do?” he asked.
“What do you wanna do?”
“See him. Talk to him.” He paused. “Go on a date with him.”
“Can you text him and ask him out?”
Ricky shook his head. “That’s too much. We’ve only ever talked in person, when other people have been there. I know this doesn’t make sense, but it feels safer that way.”
“So if you saw him in a group again, could you ask him out?”
“Maybe if I got to talk to him long enough. I’d definitely feel more confident doing that than just texting and asking.”
“Okay,” I said, thinking. “When can you see him in a group again?”
“I don’t know. Maybe the next time someone has a party?” He sighed. “But the summer is almost over.”
We fell quiet. I breathed deep, taking it all in, letting his worries swirl