just did what they wanted with the friends they liked to hang out with. But now it feels like there’s this pressure to do different stuff.” He shrugged. “I always thought maybe you just didn’t feel like that. You had your two best friends that you’d known forever, so you were able to keep doing the things that made you happy.”
I let that settle into me, feeling out whether it was true. “Yeah…” I said slowly, “but maybe I’m trying to figure out other things that make me happy, too.”
Grant nodded. “Yeah.”
I met his eyes briefly. “I’ll ask Ricky what kind of truck he has. Maybe he can give you a ride sometime, if you want.”
“Yeah,” Grant said casually. “Cool.”
We lapsed into silence, finishing our breakfast, until Grant got up and dropped his bowl in the sink.
* * *
My heart felt calmer after that conversation with my brother. It was weird, really, because it was a pretty simple conversation, but in the hours and days that followed, it was like a missing piece slid into place.
I texted Ricky to ask if we could meet up and talk, but he said he was at his college orientation. I’d completely forgotten about that, and it was almost jarring to hear it, like a reminder that summer was such a transitory thing. I pictured Ricky walking around the University of Georgia campus with new friends and a new class schedule, and I felt happy and sad at the same time.
Over the next few days, a strange thing happened: I started enjoying my own company more. I’d always spent time by myself, painting and daydreaming, but it was more like punctuation between school or hangouts with Maritza and JaKory. Now it felt like the hours I spent by myself were intentional. I sketched, I painted, I started reading a book on JaKory’s list; I drove to the river by myself and journaled about how it felt to be a teenager, and how it felt to not understand yourself, and how it felt to love people without knowing exactly how they fit into your life.
On Wednesday night, I was lying in bed, sketching whatever came to mind, when my phone buzzed with a text.
Ricky Flint: Can I come over?
My heart leapt.
I met him in my driveway. Everything was quiet and dark and unfurled, much like the first time I’d met him. Neither one of us spoke as we fell into step together, looping around the back of my house to sneak in through the basement door.
I had assumed he wanted to talk about our fight, but the moment we got inside, it became clear he was upset about something else. He buckled onto the carpet, flopping on his back with his hands grabbing at his head.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He didn’t say anything, just breathed deep with his eyes on the ceiling.
I looked closely at him, taking in his distressed expression. “Can I get you some Tums?”
He rolled his head toward me. “Tums? Why would I want Tums?”
“JaKory’s stomach hurts whenever he’s upset,” I said, shrugging. “I don’t know, I was just trying to help.”
Ricky looked at me for a while, his eyes boring into mine. “I’m sorry.”
I looked back at him. “No, I am.”
“No, Codi, really. You were justified in everything you said. I wanted to be your friend but I haven’t let you be mine. The past few days, I’ve been thinking about some shit, and—and you’re the only person I’ve wanted to talk to about it.”
I lay down next to him, paralleling his body. “What is it?”
He took a deep breath. “I hooked up with someone at orientation.”
The words hung in the space above us. He’d said them matter-of-factly, but I could sense his anxiety.
“Oh, really?” I said, trying to sound steady. “Who was h—I mean, who were they?”
Ricky dragged his hands down his face. “It was a he,” he said, covering his eyes. Then he went still for a second. It seemed like he was hardly breathing. “Damn it, Codi, it was a he.”
We were both silent. The air-conditioning hummed in the background. I watched Ricky’s eyes, his hands, his chest rising and falling.
“His name was Eric. I went out to the bars with this group of people, and he was with them, and I thought he was a cool guy, but I didn’t consider him beyond that. But then we got Chinese food together after the bars closed, and we started talking, and I could just tell he was guarding