childhoods. Love for them was the monorail. You are the first person I’ve ever loved, and the first woman who has ever loved me. You’re the roller coaster.”
Well, if that didn’t just pop a pin into my anger bubble and burst it.
“You should have told me.”
“I’m sorry. I should have told you. But we were getting so close back then, and I wanted you so badly that I didn’t want to risk it.” He sat up straight and took my hand, looking into my eyes with such an intense expression on his face that chills ran down my spine. “If I ever hide something from you, it’s because I’m terrified to risk losing you. That whole roller-coaster thing? I’ve never felt like this. Never had my heart leave my body and belong to someone else. I don’t know how to have a relationship, and I’m bound to screw this one up.”
I brushed my thumb over the underside of his wrist. “You’re doing fine. We’re doing fine. Come to think of it, this is my longest relationship, too. Just don’t keep things from me, okay? I can always deal with the truth, and lies…” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Lies are my hard limit. I have to be able to trust you.”
And I still did, even though he’d hidden this detail from me.
“There are things about me that would change the way you look at me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.” He was so certain.
“Try me.”
The muscle in his jaw flexed, and he looked like he just might—
“How did you know about my commanding officer?”
Or not.
Disappointment flooded my stomach. “The insurance company called. They’re sending someone out on Monday to interview us.”
“What? Why?”
“I guess the amount of Maisie’s bills tripped some internal alarm with her recent enrollment. They’re investigating us for insurance fraud.”
His eyes closed slowly, and his head rolled back. “That’s just fantastic.”
“Beckett…”
He pushed back from the table and took his hat, tugging it on. “I think I’m going to sleep at my place tonight. It’s not you, just the rescue, and I need…”
“Did you find the little girl?” I asked, shame lowering my voice because I hadn’t thought to ask before now, too consumed with my own drama.
“Yeah. She should make it, but it was close.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “Then I’m glad you went in.”
How different this conversation was from the one we’d had a few hours before when he’d left.
“Me, too.”
“Stay. Please stay,” I asked softly. “I know sometimes you get nightmares after you do rescues. I can handle it.” If I wanted any future with this man, I had to prove to him that I wouldn’t turn away when he showed the parts he purposely kept hidden. “I told you, there’s nothing that would make me look at you differently.”
“I killed a child.”
He said it so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him, but I knew he wouldn’t repeat it even if I asked. So I sat as still as possible and simply watched his face.
“It was a bullet ricochet. She was ten. I killed her, and our objective wasn’t even at the location we’d had intel for. I killed a child. Still want to sleep next to me?”
“Yes,” I answered quickly, tears prickling at my eyes.
“You don’t mean that. She had brown hair and light brown eyes. She’d seen us coming and was trying to get her little brother out of the way.” He gripped the back of his chair. “I still hear her mother screaming.”
“That’s why you go for every child rescue, no matter what.”
He nodded.
Maybe it was part of the reason he was so determined to save Maisie, too.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Don’t ever say that to me again,” he snapped. “I pulled that trigger. I knew the risks. I killed that child. Every time you see me with Maisie or with Colt, think about that, and then you decide how much you really want to know about how I’ve spent the last decade.”
My heart broke for him, for that little girl and her mother. For the brother she’d tried to pull out of the way. For the guilt Beckett carried. I wanted to tell him that he couldn’t scare me. That I knew who he was down to his soul, and he was a phenomenal man. But the look on his face told me that wasn’t an option tonight—he wasn’t ready for anyone’s absolution.
In case no one ever told you—you’re worthy. Of love. Of family. Of home.
Ryan’s words from his last