The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,72
a drink, or maybe three, or six, and I don’t remember too much after that. Music had come on, I started dancing and stuff. I was just having a good time, but I know eventually that Queen Latifah came over and got me and was like:
Queen Latifah: “Tiffany, it’s time to go in the house, you tripping.”
Tiffany: “Am I being bad?”
Queen Latifah: “Girl, yo ass is crazy. You need to go in the house.”
So she took me in the house, and I just fell asleep immediately.
That’s right, I FELL ASLEEP. I did not PASS OUT. I was just tired, and so I went to SLEEP.
Lil’ Rel and Hannibal put sunglasses on me. When I was ASLEEP. They would take turns closing my mouth ’cause my ass was light snoring every time my mouth opened, and it was bothering everyone who was playing games like Taboo and Spades.
The next day at the movie set, Queen Latifah was clowning me.
Queen Latifah: “Tiffany, you was so funny. You was just dancing all crazy. I haven’t seen Mary J. Blige laugh like that in years.”
Tiffany: “For real?”
Queen Latifah: “You was the only person that was talking to her, besides me and her sister, and Mary said she really enjoyed you.”
Tiffany: “Really?”
Jada: “Yeah girl, it was fun.”
Tiffany: “Jada, you was at the party, too?”
They thought that shit was real funny, that I didn’t even know Jada was at the party. I guess I SLEPT a lot.
A few weeks later, Mary J. Blige’s security texted me up:
Security: “Hey, you need to hang out with Mary more, she going through her divorce and stuff, and she said that you her favorite comedian, that you are so funny, she had such a good time with you. You need to come hang out with us.”
If my sixteen-year-old self had seen that text, I would have died. Right there on the curb, dead.
But my thirty-five-year-old self had a TV show to film! I had just got back on The Carmichael Show, so I couldn’t really hang out, I just didn’t have the time.
So yeah: Mary J. Blige wanted me to come hang out, and I was like, “I would love to, but I don’t have the time.”
Sorry, Mary! But for real, hit me up again when you in LA, girl. I got my Big Lots modeling money, we’ll do it right!
Dave Chappelle
I did a show one time (not in LA, in Ohio), and Dave Chappelle showed up to the show. When he came off stage, he was like:
Dave: “Tiffany, you’re a genius.”
DAVE CHAPPELLE THINKS I’M A GENIUS!
I wasn’t about to let this moment pass by, though. I immediately hit him up.
Tiffany: “Thank you, thank you. I’m trying to work on doing my own show, I’d love for you to be on my show.”
Dave: “What show you trying to do?”
Tiffany: “It’s called Judge Ratchet, and I’m the judge, and I’m taking cases that you can’t take to real court.”
Dave: “Like what?”
Tiffany: “Like, if somebody a dope dealer, and they lose their dope, ’cause somebody get arrested with it or whatever, and then they sue them, ’cause they want their money. They want the dope back, or they want the money back. Baby mamas tripping, just really stupid stuff, stuff you can’t take to real court.”
Dave: “Ah, that’s genius, I’mma do it.”
Tiffany: “Cool, perfect, when you gonna be in town?”
Dave: “No time soon!”
I was like, okay. At least he was nice about blowing me off.
But now every time I run into him or I see him, he’s like, “You are so good, you’re a genius.” He’s always telling me I’m a genius, so that makes me feel good. But he didn’t ever show up.
Dave is supposed to be all anti-Hollywood, but ain’t that about the most Hollywood thing ever—a star promising shit that they don’t deliver on? (I’m kidding, I love you Dave!)
She Ready
How I Knew I Made It
I knew I made it in Hollywood when I went on The Arsenio Hall Show.
That’s kind of a weird specific marker to be my “when I made it” story, so let me explain.
I remember being a kid watching Arsenio. He was my idol. I remember wishing he was like my dad or my big brother or something like that. I would watch every single show, every minute of it.
I got in so much trouble for that, too. Because it came on at eleven at night, I would sneak in the closet and watch him on my little black-and-white TV. My mom used to beat