The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,73

me out the closet all the time over that.

Being a guest on his show was a dream for so long. When he went off the air in 1994, I thought I missed my shot.

Then, in 2013, he came back on the air. I got so excited. This could be my chance to get on there, and now that I’m a working comedian, I got a real shot, right?

Of course, I had to update my fantasy, too. Now that I’m older, maybe instead of him being my daddy, he could be my baby daddy.

I had a friend who got booked on the show, and he invited me to go with him. I met the talent booker, and she said maybe they could use me for a few sketches. I told her she could use me to clean toilets, if it got me on the show.

They used me to shoot this sketch called “I Married a Black Woman.” I gave 110 percent in that performance. The producers liked it, and they decided to have me come back again, and then for a third time. By the third one, I had been pitching them relentlessly on doing my stand-up, and they finally agreed to book me.

Tiffany: “Will I finally get to meet Arsenio?”

Producer: “Yeah, you’ll meet him, of course. On the show.”

Tiffany: “When I meet Arsenio, I’m telling y’all right now, I’m going to jump on him and I’m going to kiss him all over his face, and I’m going to tell him that he’s my favorite and that I want to have all his babies.”

Producer: “He already has kids. He has a son.”

Tiffany: “Yeah, but he don’t have a full black baby, and I could give that to him.”

Producer: “Uh . . . okay.”

Tiffany: “And I want to tell him I used to get whippings for him. I used to get in trouble for him. I got beat out the closet for him. I want him to know this!!”

Producer: “Okay, okay, Tiffany, you’ll meet him afterwards, no problem.”

I was a little crazy, I know, but this was my idol growing up.

So the day came, and I was off stage about to go on, and I heard him talking about me. He said something like:

Arsenio: “This next comedian coming to the stage, guys, not only is she beautiful, and funny, but she’s smart.”

I thought I was going to die right there. I swear, I was crying. There was tears coming out of my eyes. I was crying with joy.

Producer: “You okay?”

Tiffany: “ARSENIO SAID I WAS SMART AND BEAUTIFUL! DID YOU NOT HEAR THAT!! OH LORD THANK YOU LORD!”

Producer: “Pull yourself together, girl! You about to go out there!”

Tiffany: “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”

I mean, that was like the biggest thing in the whole wide world.

I remember watching the video of me coming out onstage, and it looks like I was so confident and so self-assured. But inside, I was crying baby tears of joy, because Arsenio said I was smart. I did the set, and it was a great performance, but honestly, I don’t think I was mentally present for any of it. I was just so . . . I don’t know. Honestly, I was wet thinking about what he said.

When I was done, the whole crowd was cheering and clapping, and Arsenio came over to me. In my mind, I was about to jump on him and kiss him all over his face. But he scooped me up and picked me up and held me like a baby! So I guess the producer obviously told him I was going to jump on him.

He picked me up like a baby, and I was like, oh my God—I just started licking his face.

I couldn’t help myself. I was so happy.

Straight up—his face tastes just like Ovaltine. I think that they use Ovaltine for his foundation because he’s so chocolatey, I don’t know. But it tasted amazing.

I ended up being on there seven times. I came back as a correspondent for him. I would go into the audience, and be all over the studio, doing different funny things. And people really loved it. But then the show got canceled shortly thereafter.

That was the moment that started it all and led to everything—even this book. That was where I met Tyler Perry. He saw my “I Married a Black Woman” sketch, and he had me come in and audition. Then he hired me for a show. That led to me getting