The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,71

watermelon martinis now, Tiffany. Because Oprah said she liked them.”

Tiffany: “Watermelon martinis is pretty good though.”

Hollywood Friend 2: “Just stay focused, stay successful, and you shut these bitches down cleverly. Be smart and watch these soap operas, and stay classy, and you’ll get there.”

So now I watch soap operas for ideas on how to handle backstabbing bitches.

Hollywood Accounting

Me and my accountant get into it all the time.

Accountant: “What are you buying from PayPal, you’re buying a lot of things from PayPal but it doesn’t say exactly what it is.”

Tiffany: “It’s none of your business.”

Accountant: “Tiffany, I cannot legally write it off your taxes unless you tell me what it is!”

So I told him. I had bought this book . . . I’m so fucking embarrassed about this, but I have to share it. Maybe it’ll help me get past it. This book is basically how to get a man and how to get your ex back, or how to get a man to be into you, right? It’s by this guy who’s like a relationship advisor guy, and to be a member of his thing is like $39.99 a month, and you get a book and text messages and stuff.

Accountant: “What is this $39.99 a month, what’s this for?”

Tiffany: “For my education, it’s an educational program.”

Accountant: “For what?”

Tiffany: “For guys, to know men better. It helps me in my comedy.”

Accountant: “I can’t write that off.”

Tiffany: “Yeah-huh! It’s relationship stuff, and I talk about relationship stuff in my comedy.”

I fuss with him about all kinds of things.

Accountant: “You can’t use business credit cards to buy weed, Tiffany, that’s not cool. That’s health stuff.”

Tiffany: “It’s my medicine. I have a prescription from a doctor. So I can ease my back pain and get onstage and perform. So you have to write that off, too.”

I buy too much weird stuff that pisses him off. I bought a $300 microscope, because I’m into science.

Accountant: “You can’t write off a microscope! It does not affect your business. How does that help you with acting or comedy?”

Tiffany: “Well, it helps me with comedy, because I talk about bacteria and stuff onstage, and I have to research the bacteria, so I’m not giving off false information.”

He didn’t believe me, so he brought his buddy to the comedy show, to my special, and he’s like:

Accountant: “Yep, this is who I was telling you about, with the microscope and the seducing men books.”

I got all angry—don’t tell everybody that!

Of course, I’m writing about it here, which is worse. But damn, that’s my decision to spread my business, not his!

Queen Latifah’s House Party

Queen Latifah had a party at her house and invited me. I asked her if I could bring a couple of my comedian friends, Hannibal Buress and Lil’ Rel.

Queen Latifah: “Do they got something to lose?”

Tiffany: “What?”

Queen Latifah: “You never invite nobody to your house, unless they got something to lose.”

Tiffany: “Well, they’re pretty popular entertainers, so I think they got something to lose.”

Queen Latifah: “Yeah, okay, well they welcome to come. Long as they got something to lose.”

So we all went to her house, and it was Fourth of July. She’s having a party, and we were drinking and having a good time. All kinds of famous people were there. I was in the pool, standing there, drinking and talking to Larenz Tate and his brothers.

I heard a voice that I recognized. I turned and looked, then turned back to the guys and said:

Tiffany: “You guys, is that Mary J. Blige, or am I tripping?”

Larenz: “No, that’s Mary J. Blige.”

I started backstroking towards her, all smooth right? And I was like:

Tiffany: “Hey girl, how you doing?”

And I just started talking to her, but I was so drunk.

Tiffany: “Me and my friends, we love your music, we used to bump it all the time, we still be bumping it.”

And I started singing some of her songs to her, and she was laughing.

Mary: “What do you do?”

I got out the water, but I had been drinking so much that I was bloated, so my swimming suit was crawling up in my butt, it was just looking bad. So I’m trying to dig my swimming suit out my ass, and Mary J. Blige was looking at me crazy.

Tiffany: “I know you looking at me crazy, but look, I just signed a modeling contract.”

Mary: “You did?”

Tiffany: “Yep, with Big Lots. I’m a swimsuit model for them. Regular body edition, girl.”

And she just fell out laughing.

Mary: “You crazy, girl!”

So Mary offered me