“I know it sounds weird, but he sort of reminds me of Elijah in a lot of ways. Except he’s totally hot.”
I laugh, because he is; in a dangerous, scary, protector guy kind of way. And I can see the similarities between him and Elijah. Which could seem strange since Elijah is her brother, but he’s intelligent and funny with a great sense of dry humor, and they’ve always had a great relationship. Maybe that’s what Mia needs; someone strong who can handle her but confident in their own right that they’re not intimidated by her success.
“But I’m not going to stop about you and Zack, either.” I groan loudly. “Stop it and listen to me. I get that you’re scared. I get that you’re afraid to move on from Mark, regardless of how you feel about Zack.” She pauses to give me time to tell her how I feel but I don’t.
She sighs before continuing. “I get it. And I get that you’re scared about your family being dragged through the papers again. I get it all. So take the time to figure it all out, find a way to fix it, and call Zack. He’s waiting for you. And he’ll be there when you’re ready. I just know it.” She gives me a stern look, like a mother scolding her child for the millionth time over not picking up their toys.
The problem is I don’t know how to fix it. And I don’t know if there’s anything to fix. We’re simply too different. I take another bite of my southwestern roll and count down the minutes until I can go home, crawl under my covers, and wish something could be completely different. I just haven’t found a way to make it so.
***
Zack’s last stop on his tour ended in Georgia a few nights ago. I know this because, ironically, I’ve been stalking the Celeb Gossip website for any news on him. The only time his name has been mentioned was two nights ago, when Ethan passed out on the stage. It was at least during their last song so the concert wasn’t ruined, but the photograph of all the band members, standing over the passed out musician, with their faces showing their anger and grief and fear was pretty powerful.
My gut wrenched for Zack knowing he had to go through this and I instantly wanted to be there to comfort him when I saw it. I wasn’t however, brave enough to respond to his text message that told me about it when the concert was over. He must have texted me immediately after that concert to let me know and my heart ached for him because I know he was mad. I also know he didn’t want to fire a band member, even though it’s obviously well deserved.
I am frustrated, too keyed up to be able to relax, and miserable all at the same time. The only people I have to talk to are Mia, who is the one currently frustrating me; and my parents, who don’t seem as bothered by the photos and the risk of what could happen, either.
Maybe I am thinking too much into this like everyone says? I just don’t know. It’s not their name or picture that will be splayed out for the world to see, though. My mom actually sounded excited when I told her about the photos. When I first called to tell her I was going on tour, I think her heart dropped to her knees in worry and fear of thinking of her only child on a tour bus with a bunch of male rock stars. I can only imagine the thoughts that went through her head of what I would experience. But then she saw the same photo I did of Zack and me leaving that bar in Boston; courtesy of Mia who is firmly in camp Zack.
I cried when she told me I looked at him like I used to look at Mark, except this was deeper. And she’s right.
I am tired. I am tired of running and being afraid. I am tired of being sad. Three weeks ago, I wanted to start living again. To find the sparkle in my eyes and have joy in my life again and I was so close.
I don’t know where it comes from, but something begins to stir inside of me when I realize that I have to do these things, with or without Zack Walters. He can’t be the