“I’m only letting you walk out this door because I know you need to.” I pause and look back at him. His hands are at his sides, defeated. “I know you need to figure this shit out, but I also know that once you get over the shock of all this bullshit you’ll realize that’s all it is; bullshit. But whatever it is that’s started between us isn’t over. I won’t let it be.”
I walk away without another word, simply because I have nothing to say to that and let the driver place my bags in the taxi. When I open the door, I brave one last glance back to the bus where Zack stands. His entire body is rigid as he leans against the doorframe. I get in the cab and close the door without even waving good-bye. The tears fall instantly and I place my hands in my face, sobbing the entire way to the airport.
It’s not until the cab pulls out of the parking lot, the tour bus far behind me, that I realize I never told him I loved him back. For the second time, someone has left my life without me being certain they knew how much they mean to me.
By the time I get to the airport, I have two voicemails and ten missed text messages from Mia. I ignore them all. I’m sure she’s pissed that I ditched her at the concert when she flew in for the weekend to see me, although I have a strange feeling she’ll be just fine with Chase. I also know she’s more pissed I just walked out on Zack. I delete them all without reading or listening to them first and turn my phone off.
I wipe away the tears that have started falling again and lean my head back against the headrest. One year, three months, three weeks and a day – I tried to live again, but I just don’t know if I’m ready yet.
***
“You know you’re being completely stupid, right?” I roll my eyes for the hundredth time during the most frustrating dinner I’ve ever experienced with Mia. I’ve been home for three days and she just got back from her weekend in Philadelphia yesterday.
“He loves you, Nic.”
I set my glass of water down more forcefully than necessary and look around briefly to see if we’re causing yet another scene at a restaurant. This time we’re at a tapas restaurant around the corner from my place and I’m trying to enjoy a plate of calamari and southwestern rolls. They would be absolutely delicious if I could get rid of the large lump in my throat that’s been there ever since I stepped off the bus in Philly.
“That’s not the point, Mia. We’ve been over this.”
She sighs. “I know. I know we have, but he was miserable all weekend. He threatened to cancel the rest of the tour so he could see you.” I take a sip of my drink, pretending this doesn’t affect me. Unfortunately, it affects me more powerfully than I’m willing to admit, especially to Mia since she’s on a ‘fix Nicole’ rampage.
“How’s Chase?” I desperately want to change the subject off of me and Zack right now. Mia and I have had the same conversation at least a dozen times since I left. Zack has called me and sent text messages multiple times a day. They are mostly innocent, ‘thinking of you’ and ‘have a good day’ type texts. I have deleted them all without responding, even though my finger hovers over the keyboard every single time, itching to type out that I love him, too.
I just can’t.
She quirks an eyebrow at me and says nothing. I almost breathe an outward sigh of relief when she doesn’t argue with me about changing the subject and answers instead. “Chase is….good.” Her small flicker of a smile gives her away.
“You like him!” I’m practically gushing. In all the men Mia has dated, and there’s been plenty, she always keeps it completely casual. This brief flicker is something completely new.
“I don’t. I do….I don’t know to be honest.” I smile when she blushes a little bit. “He’s just so different, and we had a great time over the weekend. He asked me to the FMCA’s in a few weeks.”
At least something good came out of our concert. Mia likes a guy. I never thought I’d see the day. “He’s...” she stops, clearly trying to think of what to say.