one who gives me that sparkle or that happiness. I can’t rely on him. With or without him, it’s not his role to do that for me.
I need to do it. I need to do it for me. And the first thing I need to do is let go of the anger and bitterness that has had such a drastic grip on me for so long.
I pick up the phone, find her number, and dial before I lose my nerve.
“Hello. I’d like to speak with Natalie Linscum.”
***
I arrive at the coffee shop two hours later, and thirty minutes early for my meeting with Natalie. Making the phone call and asking one of the people who had been involved in killing my family to meet me for coffee is one of the hardest phone calls I have ever made. Today, the only thing I hope to accomplish is to let her know that I forgive her and her daughter, Sarah.
I order a large caramel latte, and find a set of leather looking chairs in the back near a fireplace, allowing us a little bit of privacy. I freeze when she walks in the door. She looks exactly like the pictures that were splattered all over the local newspaper and news programs for weeks after the accident. I immediately want to run. Nothing this woman says will make anything better. Her daughter may have been the one who physically killed my family when she was texting while driving, but this woman lied to cover it up. On some maternal level, I understand a parent wanting to protect their child from harm they would do anything for them.
However, her decision to lie and say she was the one behind the wheel led to months of unnecessary and additional grief for me and my family to go through. I will never forget it. But for my sake, as much as I want to stand up and scream at the tops of my lungs and force her to apologize publically to me in front of all these strangers, I know the healthiest choice for me is to say what I came to say.
As soon as she notices me, tears fill my eyes. My palms are sweating and I know the color is draining from my face, a little bit more every second. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t even know what I was thinking in calling her.
I could just forgive her and Sarah in my head and let it go, couldn’t I?
I could leave now, and never have to see her again. I want to so badly. I don’t want this woman to know I’ve decided to do this. Will she even care? The thought alone makes me panic all over. What will happen if I tell her I forgive her, and she doesn’t even care? By the time she orders a drink and joins me, I’m a half-second away from leaving and running back to my condo and refusing to leave ever again. I can become a hermit. I’ve lived alone long enough now that it might not be too hard to never leave my house again. The internet can deliver anything I want to my front door. And Mia will still come over for dinner. The idea sounds better and better with every step closer Natalie takes toward me.
One thing keeps me rooted in my chair. Zack. I think of him, and how much I desperately love him, which I didn’t realize until it was too late. And I know the only way there’s any chance for a future with him, for me to truly be able to move on - with or without him - is to do this.
I have to do this.
I take a deep breath, fully aware of the awkward silence that is growing ever since she walked into the place. I wonder if everyone else can feel the tension as much as I can. It feels as if a ten ton weight is pressing down on my chest. I count to ten, slowly, breathing in and out with every breath. I can do this. I can look her in the eye and tell her what I need to say.
She hasn’t said anything to me. Do I need to go first? I probably should. I’m the one that called her.
Ten. I exhale my last breath. I can do this.
I slowly set my drink on the coffee table between us and raise my eyes to her. “Thank