nineteenth century they are, I’ll google). There is going to be a cocktail bar and a massive champagne tower. You know, a stack of those round tit-shaped champagne glasses piled high up and you pour champers from the top and it flows into all the glasses. Sticky, I bet, but so glam!
I think it’s time I started to drink. Why not? Logan is right, basically I’m a freak. What’s the worst that can happen if I get drunk and I lose control of my mind and my knickers? I mean, really? How much worse can it get? When we were about thirteen, Ridley started sneaking WKD into socials by pretending it was a slush puppy. I just didn’t feel ready to get behind it then. I don’t know, maybe it was because Logan was often out with me and he’d definitely have snitched me up to Mum and Dad. They’d have gone ape (hypocritically, I might add, as they both can knock it back). Then suddenly, Ridley and Megan and everyone I’ve ever met were drinking vodka straight, hardcore; they seemed to skip the beer and cider stage.
Mum says I can’t invite Megan and Ridley to the party. I get that, I know why she hates them. I hate them too.
Sort of.
I want them at the party though. I want Megan there because she has to see it all, to see my life and know what she could have shared with me, but she couldn’t let herself because she is boiling in her own jealousy and she just can’t be happy for me. It’s so weird that I’m not sharing this with her considering everything we shared up until this point in our lives. Like secrets, chicken pox, crushes, hairbrushes, homework, lip gloss. The list is endless. We created things too – memories, friendship bracelets, rose perfume in jam jars. And Ridley? Well, we’ve done so much together. We’ve curled up on a sofa watching Disney movies, telling ourselves we were only enjoying them in an ironic nostalgic way but in fact loving them for real, in an authentic way. We’ve played Chicken Wing Roulette at Nando’s, we’ve Christmas-shopped in London, we went to our first gig together.
We’ve made a baby.
I need to talk to Ridley I suppose. Although how am I going to say what I have to? It kills me but I miss him so much. It’s so uncool of me not to just straightforward kick-him-out-of-bed-hate-him. I didn’t know until now that it was possible to hate and love a person at the same time. I miss the way when I’m with him I feel strangely light-headed. The way he moves, effortless and loose, thick hair, dark and curly. Backpack flung over his shoulder. I used to cling to his other shoulder as casually, as intrinsically. I miss the feel of his hands on me. I miss the way he throws back his head when he laughs, exposing his lumpy Adam’s apple. His laugh is the best if I’ve caused it. I miss the conversations we had. ‘What’s your greatest fear?’ He asked me this as he trailed kisses up and down my thigh and hip. His lips were gentle, tender and yet also hot. Right then, I had none. No fears at all. He made me fearless.
‘Weird question,’ I pointed out.
He smiled. ‘Yes, I guess it is. I was hoping you’d say, losing me.’ He looked shy, sheepish. I grinned.
‘Yeah, that’s it,’ I replied, indulging him. He came towards me and kissed my mouth. Through his kisses, I murmured, ‘Losing you and not doing this again are my fears.’
He momentarily stopped kissing me and stared at me with a fabulous intensity, his dark eyes boring into me, like he knew me inside out. ‘Then you are totally safe. Which is all I want. I want to protect you and keep you safe forever.’
This was quite caveman as an approach, but it bothered me less than it should.
The conversations we had were the sort you can’t have with anyone else, not even Megan. I miss the musty smell of his balls. Obviously, I hate him too.
Or maybe not obviously.
Not at all.
‘Dad, are you going to ask Jennifer and Fred to the party?’ I ask as we are examining Sara’s map and timing plan of the evening’s ‘flow’.
‘Your mum isn’t keen.’
‘Yeah, but they’ve apologised, right? And set the record straight about them not being in the lottery.’
‘You think I should forgive them?’
Dad keeps his eyes on the plan. He