to follow her, or the fourth, fifth, sixth stiff enquiry from a shop assistant, ‘Can I help you with anything?’ embarrassed her into leaving. Then she would walk to the library, her favourite place! Free books, comfortable chairs, warm air, but crying babies were not welcome in libraries for sustained periods of time. Her feet often felt like blocks of ice; she was sometimes so desperate she’d stand in the public toilets at the Civic Centre to warm up; she’d learnt to ignore the smell. A flat as cold as theirs had been was not a home.
But this year there was Christmas magic! Benke was right! Now the boiler was mended, the air was warm, the water was hot. This winter, since the heating had been fixed, they stayed at home more. Today they had not had to venture out at all. Better to stay snug and safe than walk the streets. The man who fixed the boiler had been very young, not much more than a boy really. No overalls, no badge. He had drunk the tea she offered, eaten three biscuits off the plate (she had only put three biscuits on the plate, she and Benke went without). The boy talked a lot. She didn’t understand everything he said. Maybe he said he was still in college. Still training. Maybe he said something about cash in hand. Beer money. He did jobs for Mr Pearson often. ‘Anything really, I can turn my hand to anything,’ he said confidently. Reveka had no idea who Mr Pearson was. She didn’t care. Her flat was warm.
The glitter had loosened from Benke’s hands and floated on the bath water. Reveka yawned and Benke caught it, he opened his mouth wide, flashing his tiny, pearly baby teeth. The bath seemed to have calmed him. She hauled him out, wrapped him in a towel. Her head hurt. Benke was pulling at his ear, something he did when he was in pain. Maybe a toothache. She hoped they hadn’t caught a cold or flu. No one wanted to be sick at Christmas.
She dressed her boy in soft cotton pyjamas, and he was almost asleep before his head touched the pillow. She leaned over the cot to kiss him goodnight. He really ought to be in a bed. They might find one in a charity shop after Christmas. As she straightened up, the room slipped. She felt dizzy, a little nauseous. She had so much to do. Besides wrapping the gifts, she wanted to finish the ironing, make a dish for Toma’s return. It was important he came home to something good. He worked so hard. Double shifts at that factory were gruelling. Noisy, demanding, he was on his feet all day. He never complained.
She went into the kitchen, picked up a knife, onions, potatoes, carrots, they all needed chopping. But the pain in her head was so fierce now. Maybe she should sit down. Or even lie down. Just for a few minutes. She was so tired. All she wanted to do was sleep. Reveka dropped the knife, it narrowly missed her foot. She looked at it, lying on the floor, and was surprised. What was wrong with her? Why was the room swimming? Reveka collapsed onto her hands and knees. What was wrong? Something was very wrong. She started to crawl to her son’s room. Fear shot through her body. She needed to see him. She was sick. Was he sick too? She placed one hand in front of the other, dragged her knees and legs along behind her. She just wanted to sleep. Lie down on the kitchen lino, but more she wanted to check on her baby son. She dragged her body into his room, lit by the cheerful golden glow of the tractor lamp. There he was. Sound asleep. So still. Perfectly still. She had thought he might be dreaming. Dreaming about stars and gifts and Christmas treats but when he dreamy his eyes usually flickered. Tonight, he was stone.
Reveka stretched to put her hand through the bars of the cot. Exhausted, she knew she couldn’t make it into her own bed, didn’t want to. She must have a bug. Her head screamed from the inside. So much pain. Toma would be home soon. He would get her paracetamol. She couldn’t get it herself. Didn’t want to be that far from Benke. She lay down on the floor next to him. Close by if he woke and needed her.
47
Emily
Thursday, 20th June
Oh.