enough to get in a full eight hours. I haven’t gone that far, but I might soon. For now, every innocent sound and innocuous smell and harmless change in air current sets me on high alert. I’ve never been a sound sleeper, but since This happened I tend to vibrate more at the exact moments when others would relax. It’s probably from the combination of my vampirism mixed with my pseudo-Judaism. There’s nothing like being a neurotic Jewish vampire to keep you awake all day and all night worrying about, oh, everything.
• Instantaenous Non-surgical Penile Enlargement and Advancing Hair Line – Just kidding… my dick’s still as little as it ever was, and my hair is just as thin – a great combination for working on the ladies. But hey, my farts smell like the dead now, so at least I’ve got that going for me.
Those are the highlights, but truly there’s not too much more to it so far. I can’t fly, and I’ve never turned into a bat, though I keep hope alive for that one… because, how sweet would that be? My teeth are still the same; it must take a while for the fangs to show up. I can’t run any faster or jump any higher, and I haven’t yet mastered the rumored hypnotic power that pulls women under my control with a mere look in their eyes, although I have been working at it. So far I’ve only managed to scare them away even more than I usually would with my captivating small talk about the state of the Eurozone and Linkin Park trivia. So things haven't turned out to be so different for me after the occurrence of This. Not yet, anyway.
Except for the ridiculous need to consume blood as a means of survival, that is.
That one is a definite game changer.
I’m sure there’s more crazy shit coming for me down the pike. I could be wrong, but I can’t imagine it’s going to be any better than what’s already shown up. You’d think there might be something positive in all of this to counter the lack of inches added to one’s pecker. But nope. There’s no shape-shifting, no flight, no increased sexual magnetism. I turned into a freaking vampire and all I got was this stupid blood lust.
The bumper stickers don’t lie, people; sometimes, life really is a bitch.
And sometimes, you don’t even get to die.
POST 4
Girl No. 3
As any self-respecting man-child should, I take my share of responsibility for my failures with women. It would be easy to blame it on my attraction to women who use my eagerness to please against me, and that this had inevitably become a source of friction. But I don’t think it was a problem for either of them; I could tell by the way they “let” me do everything for them all the time.
And by the way I just went along with it.
Since they were the ones who broke things off, that couldn’t be it. After a great deal of thought, I believe I finally understand the issue: the common tipping point in both situations is that my idea of the proper comfort level in a relationship was the exact opposite of theirs. In each pairing we threw huge heat at the onset, and we were able keep things at a rousing boil for a good long while. But just when we got to the Soup Stage, the place where everything had simmered down to a comfortable warmth and excitement became more of a rarity, they bailed. As if excitement and arousal are supposed to be a permanent state.
If that were true, Cialis wouldn’t need to broadcast their Four-Hour Wood warning.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m as much for e-mailed crotch shots and indiscriminate sex in IHOP bathrooms as anyone else. But what I really dug was the phase after that, when everything mellowed and the pressure to impress one another had dissolved. I was as happy in the chilled out moments as I was in the moments when we were all heated up – happier, even. For me, it was the Soup Stage that made all the needy pleasing worth the effort; those moments gave us substance and deepened the bond created by all the prior excitement. Coincidentally, these were also the likeliest moments when screwing someone else became a viable – and preferable – option for both women in question.
Bitches.
My last girlfriend – let’s call her Aretha Skanklin – was kind enough to explain