the possibility this would go to tour. You knew that.”
I nodded. I did know that. I just didn’t know that my boyfriend would have a psychotic break. I couldn’t fathom stepping away from Ash when his exact words were that he would only get better for me.
“I have to get back.”
“Bird. Love is a drug. It fucks with your thinking. Remember that,” he said, tapping the pen in his hand to his temple.
I tried to take in his words, but I was high on love and when someone is high, it’s hard to care about anyone but the person who gives you the injection.
ASH
“ASH, YOU HAVE a visitor,” Carlton, my favorite orderly, told me.
I was curious, since I wasn’t expecting anyone. I hoped for a surprise visit from Bird, but the real surprise was when I saw Jordan sitting in the meeting room alone.
“Hey man, how’s it going?” I asked, exchanging a handshake-hug combo.
“Not much. You’re lookin’ good,” he said.
“Oh, don’t bullshit.”
“No seriously. We were worried about you there for bit.”
“Yeah, well it’s what I do,” I said sarcastically.
This wasn’t the first time I had seen Jordan since being admitted. He visited with Bird once, but I was surprised to see him alone. Especially, since I was certain I would be cleared any day, so it seemed redundant.
I asked Jordan about the show, and Trevor, and we went through the usual catching up. But I sensed he was working up to something and I was right.
“So, I came to speak to you about something.”
“Yeah? Go ahead.” Jordan looked uncomfortable, which was rare for the guy who bear hugged me in our first meeting.
“You asked about the show. And like I said it’s going really well. When was the last time you spoke to Bird?”
“Yesterday on the phone. Why?”
“Did she tell you about the tour?”
“Well, she told me a while back that if the show went well, the plan was for a tour down the line.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Listen, you know Birdie is like a sister to me. And I know you care about her. If I was in your position, I would want you to know. I hope you don’t take this as me trying to interfere.”
“Okay.”
“We are having a tour. They are planning it as we speak. We’re thinking seven to ten cities, but then the next move is international.”
“That’s great! So what’s the issue?”
“Bird said she’s not going to do it.”
“What?” It didn’t make sense. This was everything she had wanted. She could travel the country and the world while doing the thing she loved most. Her dream was finally a reality.
Jordan looked down at the table uncomfortably and before he said it, I knew in my gut what was about to come out of his mouth. “Ash, it’s because she’s scared to leave you behind. She wants to be here for you. And she knows, like I know, you’ll tell her to go and she either is scared you won’t be there when she returns, or . . .” he gestured to the room around us.
Bird lied. Bird wanted honesty, but she didn’t think I could handle the truth. And she was right, I would probably have a hard time without her, but this wasn’t about me, this was about the kind of opportunity that comes once. Pass it up and it rarely ever comes back around. I knew all about missed opportunities.
“I can’t make her go.”
“You can’t. I just thought you should know. I don’t know what I’m expecting you to do, and I am sure eventually you would find out, but then it would be too late. There’s still time to change her mind. I haven’t told my bosses in hopes that Bird will come around. But I’ve been holding out and she’s not changing her mind. And I have to let them know soon.”
I let out a huge sigh and ran my hands through my fresh buzz cut. It felt weird to have a pelt there instead of the usual full head of locks I had always kept.
“Ash, she loves the shit out of you. Enough to throw away her dreams. She’s all about you, man. And I know that feeling, to be so into someone that everything else seems small. But I was lucky, that person left me and it forced me to go through some pain and realize I didn’t need anyone. And now I have Trevor, and I have the career I worked so hard for. I