If- Nina G. Jones Page 0,100

being a loser. But a manwhore booze hound for an uncle still wasn’t a very good role model, not that they knew all that. I kept my vices quiet.

“The prodigal son returns,” Miller said. He was trying to be light and funny, but I could tell he was stressed.

“So what’s the deal with dad?”

“He’s stable. They’re doing tests on him. He’ll be there a few more days for observation. Man, I thought we had lost him. He and mom were at my place, we had a little grill-out, out back.” Another family event that I wasn’t around for. I had rejected enough invites for them to stop asking. “He was laughing, and then he started coughing. He said his arm and shoulder hurt and then he collapsed.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. And he went blue and I did CPR. EMTs came just in time, bro.”

“So he’s up now? That’s good, right?”

“I think so. But this all just happened a couple of days ago. He’s still getting his strength back.”

We pulled into Miller’s driveway.

“Ella’s at her mom’s. It’s closer to the hospital and her parents could help her with the kids while I stayed with mom and dad.” He grabbed my suitcase from the back of his BMW and passed it over to me. “Guest house is all yours. You need anything? There’s all the essentials back there. No food though since it’s usually empty these days.”

“Nah, thanks. I think I just need a shower.”

“Cool.” He looked at this watch. “I’ll order some food. Mexican or pizza?”

“Mexican. No point in trying pizza anywhere else when you live in New York. And I really miss my SoCal Mexican food.”

Miller laughed. “Alright, just come to the main house when you’re done.”

Stepping back into the guest house was like going back into time. Pale blue walls, crisp white sheets, white cabinetry, the small marble kitchen counter where Miller would leave me food and money. It was hard to ever believe I was that kid. That I had lived on the streets for a period of time in my life. I never saw myself as homeless, but I wondered if any homeless people do. It’s a shitty situation, not an identity.

After the shower, I headed back out to the main house just as the delivery guy pulled in.

“So, I’m thinking we should head to the hospital after this,” my brother stated casually as he sorted out the boxes of food.

I glared at Miller. Did he think was just going to slip that in?

“I never agreed to that. I just got here.”

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“And you’re delusional if you think you are going to pressure me into a family reunion.”

Suddenly, Miller took his plate full of food and threw it against the wall. Shapes that matched the shattered glass all over the kitchen erupted in my vision.

“You’re a selfish asshole, Ash.”

“Fuck you.”

“What are you punishing us for? Huh? What did mom and dad do?”

“Punishing you? This isn’t about you, Mill.”

“It’s not? Are you sure? I’m the one who has to deal with mom and dad asking about you all the fucking time. I’m the one who has to make up for both you and Sarah being gone. I had to watch your ass when you lost your shit over and over. Don’t tell me this has nothing to do with me!”

This was not Miller. Miller never lost his temper like this. But I guess everyone has it in them.

“Oh, and where the fuck were you when Sarah died? Where were you? You ran off to school as soon as you had a chance. You were barely home a week.”

“I couldn’t stay home. I just couldn’t.”

“Well, whatever you had to deal with these past few years, I promise was nothing like those months after Sarah died. It was like living in a fucking never-ending wake. Her body was gone, but the whole place was in mourning. Mom was a fucking zombie, dad was barely keeping it together, and I literally had just lost my mind! But you got to leave. You got your time to recover and find yourself.”

“So that gave you an excuse to just leave us behind?”

“Excuse? I had to go. I couldn’t even look at them. I was the person who killed Sarah. Do I have to spell it out for you? I killed Sarah!”

I never said those words to anyone in my family, and they never said them to me. I think that’s what let the weight of it grow over time and become so