If- Nina G. Jones Page 0,99

I had experienced so much more, and yet, the connection I felt to Ash hadn’t changed all that much.

It was over three weeks since we had reunited, and I was still thinking about Ash. Before heading back to LA, I told Javier I needed some space. It wasn’t fair to him that I wasn’t fully invested in us. I thought I was, but I was just satisfied. He fit the list of the perfect guy. Ash was a disaster, there were so many “nos” with him, and yet, he was the one who I yearned for.

I was settling back into my place in LA. I took some time off, and I was considering a Vegas run at a new Danse Nocturne show. The break couldn’t have come at a worse time. I needed distractions, and the only thing I could do was unpack.

It had only been six months since Jordan had moved with Trevor to San Francisco. Trevor had gotten an executive producer spot in his hometown, and they wanted to raise their daughter there. Jordan wouldn’t be storming into my place anymore. He was busy with his important role at Danse Nocturne and raising a child. We tried to catch up on the phone a couple of times a week, but their little girl, Anna, named after her godmother, was taking most of his time. With this break in my schedule, he was coming to spend a few days with me while Trevor bit the bullet and stayed back with Anna. It would be just Jordan and Bird like old times. I wondered how I would tell Jordan about Ash. He saw the disaster I was after Ash left, he warned me (and was right) about him. How could I explain that I fell right back into his arms?

I dragged my empty luggage into a storage unit and that’s when I was faced with another remnant of Ash. There were several boxes labeled with his name filled with the canvas paper squares he had painted on the roof. His “secret project.” For years I pretended they didn’t exist, but I couldn’t get rid of them.

I did my best to preserve them, sorting and boxing each collection separately.

I pulled out the largest box, dragged it up to my condo, and laid the colorful squares along my living room floor. They were all abstract, and maybe that was the point, but I always felt like there was some secret in them, the secret he never got around to telling me. After staring at them for a while, I noticed that two of the pieces laying side by side flowed into each other, like two pieces of a puzzle.

I scanned all the pieces and found another set that matched. Suddenly I was on my hands and knees, putting together these pieces, frantically trying to solve the mystery. I lost track of time and sweat poured from my brow as I arranged and rearranged the squares. But when I was done, it still looked like one big blur. I stared at it for maybe an hour, trying too hard to get into Ash’s mind to understand the significance of this puzzle. I cursed under my breath and trudged upstairs in defeat. Jordan would be here soon and I needed a shower. As I reached the loft, I took one last look to sneer at another disappointment from Ash, and that’s when I saw it.

The paintings up close were just a blur, but from this distance, they formed one massive picture. It was me and Jordan dancing, bursting in light. I finally saw the golden bursts of my laughter that Ash always described. Ash even painted himself from behind, holding the guitar. I was like a fourth spectator, watching the scene from a hidden corner. I remembered this night vividly. It was one of the happiest of my life. After being made to feel ugly by those girls in the bathroom all those years ago, I had never felt more beautiful. I didn’t have much, but I had all I needed in that room.

I don’t think Ash ever intended to show this piece. I think he made it for me.

ASH

Miller looked tired when he picked me up from LAX. He and Ella just had their third child. I wasn’t very close with my nieces and nephews due to geography, but I also just let Ella continue to have her space. I wasn’t even sure if she still disliked me, now that I had stopped