If- Nina G. Jones Page 0,101

heavy. That truth became a monster, sucking the life out of our family.

“You think that, Ash? You think we think that? It was a fucking accident!”

“No.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, desperately trying to prevent tears from emerging. “I killed her. I was out of my fucking mind on the road that day. I was manic. I was speeding, trying to make her think I was such a badass fucking driver in dad’s stick shift. I slammed on the brakes. I fucking killed Sarah!”

Miller sank like the bravado of his tirade had been sucked out of him. “Bro, you think we couldn’t put that together on our own? It was our fucking fault. We ignored the signs for years, we just let you go through that and we just thought Ash is the sensitive one, Ash is the unique one. Mom and dad blame themselves, if anything. But at the end of the day, it isn’t anyone’s fault. We were all trying to do the best we could. You have a disorder, the things you say and do when you are in that state are not you. That was the first fucking thing the doctor told us.”

I rolled my eyes. I hated accepting the fact that I didn’t have control over myself.

“Didn’t you tell me that once? That it felt like someone else was in the driver’s seat and you were being taken for a crazy ride? What happened was an accident. It wasn’t your fault. Even if you were driving like an asshole, that truck was way too fucking close.”

“I can’t face mom and dad after all the hurt I’ve caused them. I’ve fucked up in so many ways. It’s been too long now for me to come back.”

“We all lost Sarah. It was horrible, but she was dead and we eventually had to accept it and move on. But none of us can accept you not being part of the family. I lost my sister, but I lost you, too. Mom and dad lost two kids. We all just want you back. And I know you think it’s too late, but it’s not.”

Miller’s cheeks were wet with tears and my eyes burned from trying to keep mine in. I made a promise to Bird. I would never be able to keep that promise until I reconciled with my family. I would never be able to face my pain if I didn’t face them and if I didn’t fill the void that was created when I left them behind.

“Dad needs you.”

“Fuck,” I muttered to myself. I had been gone for so long, built this thing up for so long, that it was physically difficult to agree. “Alright, man.”

We bear hugged, giving each other some good old brotherly back slaps. I felt lighter. I felt like I was pinned under a bunch of rocks and finally someone was moving them one by one, so that I could breathe again.

“Shit,” Miller said, looking at the mess he had created. “Ella is gonna have my balls on a platter.”

“Where’s the cleaning supplies?” I asked as he began to collect the fragments of porcelain from the ground.

“Uh, just down that hall, there’s small closet. It’s full of all that stuff.”

I wandered down to the closet, grabbed a bucket, a broom, a mop and some random bottles with liquid that all seemed to have the same function but for some reason Ella needed to have about fifteen of them.

I came back to the kitchen just in time to find Miller hanging up his phone. His face was flushed red before but now it was a sickening gray.

“Dad’s . . . gone,” he said.

BIRD

I LEAPT INTO Jordan’s arms when he arrived.

“Biiiiird!” he sang, swinging me around in a big circle. “What’s all this?” he asked, looking at the paintings on the floor as he let me down.

“I was putting away some stuff in my storage room downstairs and I came upon some of Ash’s old stuff. I thought it might be time to dig it up. I’m going to get it framed and mounted. You can’t see it up close, but from far away, it’s us.”

“Us?”

“Yeah, remember that night when Ash took your guitar and played ‘Layla’ and we danced?”

“Yeah . . . actually I do.”

“Believe it or not, it’s probably worth a ton of money.”

“Say what?”

I told him the story of how I stumbled upon Ash in the New York Times. I didn’t get to the part about meeting him and having