awkward between us.
So what do I do?
I stole a glance at Armin. He was staring out the passenger side window, but I could still see his face, and one glimpse of it made my chest hurt.
Was being this far away from him really better than the alternative? If we dated… I mean… Hell, maybe it would work out. Maybe it wouldn’t. Who knew? But now that I’d had another taste and then pushed him away, I was struggling to convince myself the gamble wouldn’t be worth it. Things could go south between us, but what if they didn’t?
I tried to swallow past the sudden lump in my throat. Yes, the thought of jumping in and hoping for the best with Armin was terrifying. I didn’t want to lose him. But what if fear was keeping me from experiencing something with him that was even better than our friendship?
And…
Okay, so if it was just fear, and I could push past that cowardice, what was I supposed to do now? Tell him I’d changed my mind again and hope he was still interested? Armin deserved better than me flip-flopping every five minutes. He’d just gotten out of a miserable rut with his ex, and I didn’t imagine he wanted to go from that to getting whiplash while I was being indecisive.
I didn’t know what to do. I’d jumped the gun this morning, and now…fuck.
I still remembered how I’d felt the first time he’d brought Tanya to the gallery. The way he’d looked at her and she’d looked at him—I’d been happy for him, but I’d been dying inside, because I would’ve sold my soul for him to look at me that way.
I’d been absolutely sure in that moment that I’d missed any chance I’d had with him. If I was ever going to have a turn with him, that time had come and gone.
Last night and this morning, against all odds, that time had come again, and I’d blown it. I’d had a chance with him—a second chance—and I’d blown it because I was a coward.
And deep down, I knew that if I didn’t do something about this, then the next time he showed up to the gallery with a new partner, I was going to really understand the meaning of regret.
Chapter 14
Armin
So this was fucking miserable.
Marques was driving, and we had just crossed the New Hampshire-Massachusetts state line, and we’d barely talked at all. He’d put on some music earlier. I hated that we hadn’t bantered this time about how much he liked Daddy Flay and how I would hurl myself into traffic before I listened to that jackwagon. We’d always bantered about our polar opposite feelings about that particular artist. It didn’t feel right, putting on music without saying anything about him.
But nothing felt right anyway. It hadn’t since that conversation in the hotel.
It wasn’t like we weren’t speaking the way we would’ve been after an argument or something. We weren’t mad at each other. Or, well, I wasn’t mad at him, and I couldn’t think of a reason he’d be mad at me. But things were awkward as fuck and I had no idea what to do about that.
So…what now?
I had no idea. I knew what I wanted. I wanted us to forget we’d had that conversation this morning and go back to the way things had been last night.
No, that wasn’t quite it. The things Marques had said were valid. We did need to consider our friendship, the fact that we worked together, and the part where we’d both just broken up with people. I just didn’t think we needed to come to the same conclusion we had this morning.
We can do this, Marques. Why can’t you see that?
But I didn’t know how to ask him that. Maybe I was beating my head against nothing. We’d had a chance. Two chances. They were behind us.
Turning toward the window, I closed my eyes and exhaled.
I really had missed my shot with him, hadn’t I?
A few hours after we’d left Ellsworth, we stopped for gas somewhere in Massachusetts. As we came back to the truck with cold drinks, I asked, “You want me to drive for a bit?”
Marques jumped like he hadn’t expected me to say anything. Then he nodded and handed over the keys. “Sure. Yeah. I could go for a break.”
And…that was the end of any attempts at conversation.
What the hell? We weren’t a couple of teenagers who couldn’t stop blushing after we’d experimented together. We were grown-ass