non-committal tone was actually cold, abrasive, or otherwise offensive. She probably had a similar list of things that drove her up the wall too.
What the fuck was the point?
“I don’t…” I closed my eyes and pushed out a long breath. “What are we doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, we were already fighting before I told you about this road trip. Before that, we were fighting about something else. When was the last time we went more than a few days without being at each other’s throats over something?”
She exhaled sharply. “So now it’s my fault that you’re off running around with a guy who you know makes me nervous?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “That’s not what I said. And you told me last night that you were okay with—”
“Because you didn’t give me a choice, Armin!” She huffed. “You were going one way or the other, so what was the point in arguing?”
She had a point. And it wasn’t like I’d had a choice either.
Right now, I was just exhausted, and that wasn’t entirely from the long-ass day on the road.
I moistened my lips. “Look, we can fight all we want about this, but I guess what I’m wondering is, are we actually fighting about me and Marques? And were we actually fighting about—”
“What are we fighting about, then?” Her voice was quieter now. Less confrontational.
“Us, I guess?” I swallowed. “Are we even happy together?”
This wasn’t the first time I’d posed that question. During some similarly grueling rough patches, I’d asked.
This was, however, the first time she didn’t get defensive. The last few times, she’d barely let me finish the question before she’d insisted we were fine.
“Of course we’re happy together! We’re just getting the hang of living together. We’ll work it out.”
And afterward, things would be good for a while. In the moment, it had seemed like we’d both reassessed all the stupid crap we’d been butting heads over. In hindsight, it looked a whole lot more like we’d been walking on eggshells. Still frustrated, still grinding our teeth, but swallowing the anger in the name of keeping the peace.
This time, instead of dismissing the idea, Tanya sighed. “I don’t even know anymore.”
Neither of us spoke for a while.
When Tanya broke the silence, there was a hint of tears in her voice. “Do you want out because you’re with Marques?” It wasn’t an accusation this time. Just a question filled with hurt.
I closed my eyes again and rubbed my throbbing forehead with my free hand. “This has nothing to do with Marques.”
“Come on.” She laughed dryly. “You’re into him. We both know—”
“This is about us, Tanya.” I kept my voice as even as I could. “For the millionth time, Marques has a boyfriend, and even if he didn’t, I’m not going to leave you for him or anyone else.”
“But it sounds like you want to leave.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Not so I can be with someone else. I just think we’ll both be a lot happier if we stop trying to keep this thing alive.” I pushed out a ragged breath, my shoulders slumping under the weight of the world, which seemed to press down harder as this conversation went on. “What’s the point of being together if we’re both this miserable all the time?”
“But I love you,” she whispered.
“And I love you too. Which is why I don’t want you to be unhappy any more than I want to be unhappy.” I swept my tongue across my lips. “The fact is, no matter what we do, we’re unhappy together, and the only solution we haven’t tried is not being together anymore.”
“So you just want to give up?” she demanded.
I thought about it, then shrugged even though she couldn’t see me. “Yeah. I do. Because I think we’re just going to keep fighting and fighting, and quite honestly, I’m tired of fighting.”
“You don’t think what we have is worth fighting for?”
“Not when all we have is fighting!”
She huffed sharply, but the hurt made it into her voice as she said, “You know that’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” I was exhausted, and I couldn’t hide it. “It’s all we do anymore. Think about it—the last year or so, we’ve had more makeup sex than not. That isn’t healthy.”
“So then maybe we need to talk to someone. A counselor. Something.”
I closed my eyes. The thought of hashing this out with anyone drained me even more. “I think we’re past that point. I really do.”
She said nothing.
“Let me ask