point out. “Don’t you want to have a family? Don’t you want to be a father?”
“I don’t know, OK?” Tim’s face is tight and kind of upset-looking. I’m definitely pressing his buttons.
“You’d agreed that it was what you wanted,” I persist. “What changed your mind? Something must have changed your mind.”
I can see Tim’s face working with some sort of emotion, and I wait breathlessly.
“I didn’t know what it involved!” he suddenly bursts out. “Do you know what having a baby involves?”
I want to make a hilarious joke about how his contribution isn’t exactly tough, but I’m sensing it’s not the moment.
“Like what?”
“It’s a nightmare!” he says, looking beleaguered. “It’s endless!”
“What do you mean?” I stare at him.
“Check baby carrier for weak seams. Visit nurseries. Research safety of car seats. Literacy. Organic paint. La Mars. Annabel Karmel. Flashcards.”
As this stream of gibberish comes out of his mouth, he’s counting items off on his fingers. I wonder for an instant if he’s having some sort of breakdown.
“Tim,” I say carefully, “what are you talking about?”
“Don’t tell Hannah I said any of this,” he says, hastily lowering his voice. “Promise me. But she’s just … It’s all … I can’t do it.”
I’m thoroughly baffled. This conversation has gone so off-piste, I don’t know what to say next. And now here comes Hannah, clutching her blender, looking at me expectantly.
“Hi!” I say, my voice high and awkward. “So, Tim and I were chatting about … things.…”
There’s a long, prickly silence. I can sense both Hannah and Tim trying to convey urgent silent messages to me.
“So!” I say again, avoiding both their gazes. “I’ll ring that up.…” I take Hannah’s payment and hand her the blender. “I’ll … er … call you later, shall I?”
“Shall we have supper?” says Hannah eagerly.
“Can’t.” I pull a regretful face. “I’ve got Leila’s birthday-drinks thing at Six Folds Place. But we’ll talk.” I nod. “We’ll talk.”
As Hannah and Tim leave, I breathe out. I need to decode all that. I need to work out what I’m going to say to Hannah. And look up what “La Mars” means. Or was it “Le Mahs”?
I’m about to type it into my phone when Bob comes out of the back room in his anorak to go home, and I smile at him.
“Hi, Bob. Everything OK? We’re not going bust yet?”
This is Mum’s little joke. She says it every time she sees Bob, so I’m keeping up the tradition.
“Not quite yet!” Bob replies with his customary little laugh. But I notice his fingers are tugging at his cuffs, as they always do when he wants to venture something awkward. “Just working through the invoices for the relaunch party,” he adds. “That DJ was an expensive chap, wasn’t he?” He laughs again—but he sounds anxious.
I remind myself that Bob is the most cautious man in the world and doesn’t know anything about DJs or marketing or parties. Even so, I can’t help feeling my own corresponding stab of anxiety. I suddenly want to confide in him. I want to wail, “Bob, I know exactly how you feel! We didn’t even need a DJ! And I don’t know what that party was for, anyway! It’s not like anything about the shop has changed, sales haven’t gone up, there aren’t any new customers … it was pointless!”
But family first.
“I think all these marketing things help,” I say at last. “You know. Profile and everything.”
“Ah,” says Bob. His mild brown eyes meet mine and I feel sure he understands everything but would never open his mouth because he’s too discreet and loyal and agreeable.
“Have all the invoices come in?” I ask. “Do we know what the total budget was?”
Mum okayed the party, I remind myself. There was nothing I could do to stop it. And, anyway, it’s not going to be a problem. It’s not going to bankrupt us. It was only a party.
“Not yet,” says Bob. “Not everything.”
“Well, keep me posted,” I say.
“Of course,” he replies with a nod.
He turns to leave and I watch him with a sigh. Now I need to go and get ready for Leila’s birthday drinks, even though the last thing I feel like is going to 6 Folds Place. The idea of dressing up feels exhausting. Let alone making conversation with Jake’s posh friends about sailing (not a clue) and makes of car (not a clue). But I promised Leila, and she’s such a sweetheart, I can’t let her down.
Anyway, there’ll be free drinks there, I remind myself as