you, even though it’s obvious I’ve had something on my mind.”
“You’re not going. Call me a bastard, call me a caveman, call me anything you want, but I’m not letting you out of Miami. She’s not doing this to me, to us.”
“You’re right. She’s not. I am.”
His eyes snap to mine and, even in the dark, I can sense the intensity of his stare.
“I’ll admit, at first it was about her. But it was also about you. In my head, you need time to deal with this whole thing without worrying about me. Since you’ve found out she was pregnant, you’ve spent so much time concerned about me. In reality, my wellbeing should be low on your priority list.”
“Bullshit—”
“Let me finish.” I put a finger to his lips and run it along them gently. “After the run-in at the hospital and her twisting our conversation around, it stuck with me and I may have made a rash decision, but it was always for you. I’m hoping my time away will allow you to get your head on straight, get a grip on your feelings about being a dad, and mostly how you want to handle it. We’ve known all along she wasn’t going to make this easy on you. She wants you to herself.
“Then, after I talked to Evie, I became excited. They need me, Shaw. They are ecstatic to have someone work with their staff who has been through the experience these kids are going through. I’m not only a nurse, but also a survivor. We’re going to do a few training sessions where I will explain what I went through to help build empathy and understanding. So, yes, it started out as a way to get away from the madness going on here, but it’s turned into so much more.”
“Jesus Christ, how can I even refute that? Of course they need you. You’re an incredible nurse, and you love the kids. Mathis is right; they are lucky to have you. But why wouldn’t you discuss this with me?”
“In hindsight, I should have. I also should have told you alone, not during our monthly dinner. A part of me knew you’d be upset, and I guess I hoped they’d help you calm down. Stupid, huh?”
“Never in my life have I ever been angry with you. But listening to you tonight, telling us about your decision, my blood started boiling. All I really heard was you were leaving. Nothing else registered. After all we’ve gone through, I couldn’t believe you’d do this.”
His voice is like gravel, each word chipping away at my heart
“Are you still angry?”
“A little, but it’s hard to stay that way when you’re in my arms. After your little speech, I can’t even force you to stay. This is a tremendous career opportunity for you.”
“It really is.”
“But we need to discuss the other part of it. The part about you making choices that would take you away from me without giving me a say.”
“You’re a little overprotective, and I was doing what I thought was best.”
“You don’t get to do that. I have a grip on my feelings about being a dad. I’ve been reading the book you bought me. It’s an amazing and incredible thing, bringing a life into this world. My hesitation has never been about being a father. My hesitation and regret is how it’s happening. The shame is so great sometimes, I think I’m suffocating. Then I think about what I’m asking you to do. Build a life with my illegitimate child and me, with a woman who made your life hell. A better man would let you go, keep you away from the drama and heartache, but I’m not that man.”
His admission is like a knife to my gut, and I realize he’s been drowning in this alone. His focus has been spread so thin, and I’ve been worried about my life, not ours. The realization hits me hard, and I try to think of how I can make this easier on him… on us. Maybe my leaving is a really bad idea. Besides, after what happened with Sasha this morning, he’s going to need my support close. Not three states away.
“Let me see what I can do about canceling.”
He tightens his hands on my hips and shakes his head. “No, you’ve made an obligation, and I won’t hold you back. I won’t ask you to do that.”