“No, I’m going to sleep. Really sleep. I’m going to clear my head and think rationally. My heart has had enough time to control my emotions. It’s time my brain kicks in.”
“Call me later, okay? I’ll worry about you.”
“Me too.” Mathis stands and leans in to hug me, kissing my cheek. “Give him a chance to explain.”
I muster a little nod and head to the nurse’s lounge to get my stuff. It’s then I realize I don’t have a car. Instead of bothering Claire, I order an Uber and rush downstairs. Once I’m in the car, I send her a text, knowing she’s going to kill me. That’s the least of my worries right now.
I almost tell the driver to keep driving when we pull up to my apartment and Shaw’s Jaguar is parked in his usual spot. But instead, I brace myself to see him.
My traitorous heart starts to beat faster, knowing he’s so close. Even devastated, I long to feel his arms around me, soothing me, and saying everything is going to be all right. There’s a reason he’s always been the one I run to when something bad happens at work. He knows exactly how to handle my fragile emotional state.
I walk in and am immediately assaulted with the smell of him everywhere. The spicy scent of his cologne and clean fresh fragrance of his soap fill the air. I inhale deep, a small bit of relaxation calming me.
“Thank God you’re okay.” His voice is rough and ragged as he turns from the front window.
I swallow a gasp as I take in his appearance. His hair is practically standing straight from running his hands through it, his usually bright and gorgeous hazel eyes are dull, framed by black circles, and his neatly trimmed beard is overgrown.
Even so, he’s still the most gorgeous man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
He doesn’t wait for me to respond, stalking to me and lifting me in his arms, enveloping me in his warmth. The familiarity sends a spark through me, and on impulse, I drop my bag and wrap my arms around him.
A loud sob escapes from deep in my chest, and I fight the avalanche of emotions about to explode. The next few seconds flash by in a blur, and I find myself on his lap on the sofa. My braid is now gone as he massages my scalp and threads his fingers through my hair, soothing me as only he knows how.
Part of me knows I need to move away, force myself out of the comfort of his arms, and ask him to leave.
Pathetically, I can’t.
“I’m not leaving. If you’re thinking of asking me to, I can’t.” He reads my mind.
“I want to so badly, but I can’t seem to make myself ask.”
“Then don’t, because I’d have to say no. And I never want to say no to you.”
“Oh, Shaw.” My breath hitches and I work hard to calm down.
My heart races so fast that I’m certain he can feel it against his own chest.
“I’m sorry doesn’t scratch the surface of how I feel right now. But it’s the only thing that comes to mind. I never meant for this to happen. I’d do anything in this world to change that night, the bad decision, and the ending result.”
“How did this happen, Shaw?” I free my arms and lift away, bracing on his chest. He doesn’t let me go far. Our faces are inches apart as his eyes lock with mine, and I see the pain and turmoil staring back.
“Sex. I had sex with her. It was a meaningless, unfulfilling, eventless fuck. I was so drunk, I don’t even remember.”
“And you didn’t wear protection?”
“Of course I did. That I am one-hundred percent sure of. Apparently it didn’t work.”
“When?” The word squeaks out. “When did you sleep with her?”
More pain flashes across his face, and he drops his eyes, breaking our stare. “Three weeks before we got together. It was the night of your blind date. The three of us made a night of it, going out to make sure you were safe. When you left and we knew you were home, I got shit-faced. Sasha was a convenience, always was.”
His eyes pop open as what he said dawns on me. “Always was? What does that mean?”
“Shit.”
This time, I use all my strength to break apart, moving away from him and curling in a ball in the corner of the sofa. He reaches for me, but I shake my