me. Twelve years. Fourteen years. Something like that. He had three teenage children, and he didn’t want any more.”
August lifted his head fully, his eyes widening. He knew what that meant for Etta, and she hated that it had taken her so long to be brave enough to admit it and do something about it.
“I thought I would be okay without having any children of my own,” she whispered, all of her loneliness, her longing, and her self-loathing rearing up and washing through her. Wave after wave of it kept her from speaking again, and this time, August gathered her close and held her right against his heartbeat.
It wasn’t frantic or flopping, and Etta took comfort in the slow, steady pace of it against her cheek.
“I couldn’t go through with the wedding,” she said, strong enough to admit it now. “I did a horrible, terrible thing to him, because I couldn’t tell him until the day of the wedding. I just kept praying and praying that it would be okay. I loved him. It was enough. He was enough.”
She shook her head and stepped away from August. She couldn’t breathe in here. Retreating from the kitchen quickly, Etta sucked at the air. Her mind whirred, and she suddenly stood in the bride’s room in True Blue, the restored barn where many of her family members had managed to walk down the aisle and say I-do.
Failure rained upon Etta, and while she hadn’t cried over this particular situation in her life in quite a while, the tears came now.
“It wasn’t enough,” August said from somewhere behind her.
She shook her head. “I really wanted it to be. I apologized to him a thousand times. Some days, I feel at-peace and I know he’s okay. Some days, I really hate myself for what I did.” She turned back to him, a hot, angry feeling licking up through her core now. “I’m better now, August. I won’t do that again. I’m more open, and more honest, and I listen to God better than ever. And no, I don’t judge people quite the way I used to.”
He stood on the other side of the island, leaning into both hands. Heaven knew Etta had plenty to be judged for, and now August did too.
“I don’t judge you,” he said. “I wasn’t there. I don’t know the situation.”
“I’m just saying, I won’t do that to you. If we keep dating, and things aren’t going well, and I’m not feeling good about us, I’ll just tell you. I won’t wait until the wedding day.”
A ghost of a smile touched his mouth. “Sounds like a deal.” He glanced down at the counter and turned to open a cupboard. He got down a couple of plates and set them beside the bowl of mashed potatoes.
“I never did say why it’s hard for me to tell Hailey about us,” he said. “You asked, on Saturday, before Dot went into labor. Remember?”
Etta had definitely not forgotten. She nodded, glad when he turned his attention back to the silverware drawer and she could wipe her eyes quickly. She’d done a fast job on her makeup, because Etta didn’t wear much makeup, especially when she didn’t have to go to schools or host people at the ranch.
“I’m not sure how anyone could be embarrassed of you,” he said, laying out two knives and two forks. “I’m one-hundred percent interested in you. I liked you from the moment you crouched down in front of my daughter with that baggie of Band-aids, and every time I talk to you, I learn something new and fascinating about you that makes you more of a whole person to me.”
Etta shook her head. “You can stop.”
August came around the island, shaking his head. “I’m not going to stop.” He didn’t speak loudly, and Etta liked this more subdued, quiet nature. At the same time, power flowed from his eyes, from the set of his shoulders, and from his mouth when he did choose to say something.
“I’m glad you’re not perfect, because I would feel so inadequate beside you, and I don’t think your family is too big.” He offered her a smile but stopped several feet away. “Your family is great. Hailey loves them to bits and pieces, and I’ve decided to swallow my pride and let y’all help me with her after school.”
Etta’s soul lit up. “That’s wonderful, August.”
“The truth is, Etta.” He took slow steps toward her. “I’m scared.” He reached her and took both of her