was exiled. As I flew away from my only home as the words ‘child killer’ were thrown at me.”
“Blaise--”
His gaze finally meets mine and the grief in his eyes overwhelms me. “I’m an idiot, Orion. A complete moron. Life had all just been fun and games. A never-ending assortment of pleasure. I helped those kids learn how to fly. I swam with them, taught them how to weave wreaths for their hair, and collect oysters on the beach. And then I killed them. I did. Maybe not with my two hands. But I should’ve known better than to say a word.”
And then, more softly, he says, “I hate it all. But more than that, I hate this lingering feeling that there was more to what happened than I thought. Those kids were smart. I can’t imagine them flying until they passed out. And then there’s the way we found their bodies...they didn’t look like bodies that had been in the ocean for days. There was just something I could never put my finger on, but that felt...wrong.” He shakes his head. “They said between what happened, and the eclipse, I wasn’t in my right mind.”
I stiffen. The eclipse? That was the same day my brother had died. I’d always wondered, on a night when all immortal beings were out of sync with the world, if the eclipse had had something to do with what had happened to my brother.
But maybe Blaise and I were both just desperately grasping at straws.
I sit down with Blaise and wrap an arm around his shoulder. We both stare out at the ocean, or maybe I’m staring at the ocean, and he’s caught in the past. I’m not good with words, but something needs to be said. I’m not the smartest gargoyle, but even I know that Blaise had been blamed for a horrible accident. Phoenixes aren’t the only ones who play games like that, but the second any of us feel dizzy, well, we come back down. Blaise isn’t to blame.
But I understand the need to blame oneself.
“The day my brother...left, he asked me to help him with a favor for the Elites. I’d said no. I did what the Elites ordered, but never more than that. In my mind, they were old assholes who were stuck in the old ways. My brother didn’t push me, he just left to do it. When I found him, he wasn’t breathing, his heart wasn’t beating, and he was cold as ice. The other gargoyles came. They told me he was dead, but I wouldn’t hear it. They said my stubbornness was because I blamed myself for not being there to keep him safe, and maybe that was part of it, but...well, the message here is that we all make mistakes. Most of those mistakes have small or no consequences, but sometimes there’s a terrible consequence. It doesn’t mean you did a terrible thing. It’s just that sometimes life isn’t fair.”
“You didn’t suggest something reckless and stupid to your brother,” he says, his voice breaking.
“No, but I failed him all the same.”
We sit together for a long moment in silence before he says, “I went back to the village once. I apologized for what I did and begged forgiveness. No one would even hear my words. They shut their doors. They shut themselves away. So how can I redeem myself if I can’t even make it up to the people I hurt?”
I don’t really know. “Sometimes, other people can’t forgive us for our mistakes, but we have to find a way to forgive ourselves anyway.”
He gives a sad laugh. “I always thought if I could save a child, maybe somewhere in the universe karma would see that I’m not all bad.”
“You’re not bad. Not at all. I promise you that.”
He rubs his face again. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you before…”
I can’t help but smile. “You asked me to let you into my Brotherhood as a broken man who didn’t want to live. You saved my life. It’s okay if you’re a little broken too.”
He looks shocked.
“Come on,” I say, “we have to find the rock shaped like a raven.”
He nods and slowly stands. His expression is that of a man who isn’t quite sure if he’s awake or dreaming. I wish there’s more I could say. But I think he just needs time.
So I lead us off the rocky beach and we head through the small forest, looking for the raven-shaped rock. My mind replays