as if he is in one of his sad states, where he does not want to be around anyone, where he does not get out of his sleeping nest for days on end and no one can reach him. I thought he was coming out of that, but now I worry he is slipping back to his old ways. So I nudge him to distract him. “Did you see that?”
“What?” N’dek continues to rub his stump.
“H’nah looked at me for longer this day. Do you think she is warming toward me?” When he only shrugs, I continue. “She still ran, though. What should I do?”
He sighs and flicks an irritated look in my direction. “I do not care, J’shel.”
Irritation is something, at least, and it is better than his sadness. “Why do you not care?”
“Because no female will ever want me.” He turns away, pretending to gaze off into the distance.
My teasing jibes die in my throat. I choke on silence and guilt and I steal a glance at the stump that he keeps bandaged even now, though there is not anything left that the healer can regrow.
His wound is my fault. It is J’shel that has destroyed N’dek’s life, and the guilt of it weighs me down every day.
No wonder H’nah does not want me for a mate. Perhaps she knows my shame. Perhaps her khui has told her and this is why she avoids me. Or perhaps N’dek spoke of it and she is horrified that she would resonate to such an unworthy male.
All of this feels as if it crushes my spirit inside my chest. Defeated, I rub my neck and bite back a sigh. “Do you want to go to the beach with me, brother? We can see what is washing up from the island. Perhaps there will be fresh ground nuts.” The big nuts with the tasty meat were his favorite once. When he doesn’t answer, I encourage, “We should enjoy the bits of home we can find while we can still find them.”
“No,” he says after a moment. “I will stay here. At least I can attend to the fire without someone else to drag me about.”
His words are like knives into my chest. I flinch and force myself to my feet. Even though my female does not want me, I cannot fight my protective instincts. I shift my camouflage, adjusting my skin color until I blend in with the sand and leave my warm cloak by the fire. To anyone that looks around, they might see a dark mane or my leggings, but I will not be noticed if I can make it to the rocks and blend in there. I leave camp and head in the direction that H’nah went, following her crunching steps. She moves loudly, noisily, as those that have never hunted do, and I muse that if there were ever game on this beach, it is long gone from the humans that constantly chatter and drag their feet through the sand, making noises without a care in their heads. I catch up to H’nah swiftly and remain several paces back. She drifts towards a cluster of females on the beach, and I move to the rocky shoals, half-hiding behind a loose boulder and letting my skin camouflage do the rest.
I watch my mate, hungry for every glimpse of her. She is rounder than some of the others, but I like that her short legs have curves and that her teats bounce and jiggle when she walks. I like that her hips are wider, because I imagine my large hands on them and it makes my cock ache so badly that I nearly lose control. She wears a thick bundle of white furs over her tunic, making her look like a puffball with a head, but I imagine peeling those layers off her in private, revealing what must be pink skin all over.
And I groan. My cock throbs almost as painfully as my khui does. I look around to see if anyone is nearby and I am about to be discovered, but the humans speak in low voices a hundred paces away and the others are at the encampment. No one is here to listen to me resonate uselessly…or to watch as I touch myself to the sight of my mate.
I shift my camouflage ever so slightly with a touch of my mind, making sure that I blend with my surroundings, and then I ease my leather loincloth down, releasing