disgust staring back at me in my expression.
The lie smeared beneath the immaculacy.
I’m a daughter. Pure and chaste. The pride of my mother, and the ungodly temptation of men. The very thing most girls in Szolen dream about from the time they’re young, and what all parents wish for, the same way they prod their sons into becoming Legion.
“My heart is full, darling.” That pride in my mother’s voice slices through my thoughts of what’s to come, and she sets her hand on my shoulders, planting a kiss atop my head. “You’re a stunning vision of virtue and devotion.”
Frowning is all I can do to keep from crying and ruining the mascara she’s insisted I wear.
In an hour, my dress is expected to be spattered with the blood of my virtue, and all will rejoice at the sight of it.
Three of us will take our vows during the ordination, but not before we’re deemed worthy of our charge.
“Come now. They’re waiting.” The glint in my mother’s eyes is a stab to my heart.
I could tell her I don’t want to do this. That I reject this barbaric ceremony and everything it stands for, but doing so would make me an enemy of this community. My mother and brother would be ostracized, and our family name marred. Besides that, it’s been months since my mother has smiled, and as much as she disappoints me, I can’t bear to do the same to her. The untimely death of my father cast a cloud of misery over our home, one so thick, I can hardly breathe sometimes. This ordination is all she’s talked about since. Maybe the only thing that’s kept her alive.
By now, I should’ve been well into my studies, advancing my station in this community as the only female physician. It’s a dream I’ve held since I was old enough to accompany my beloved Nan on my father’s side, who died much too soon, on house calls. She was a nurse and midwife, the most skilled in Szolen, and I longed to follow in her footsteps, but those plans were cast aside, the day Mother Chilson, the head nun of our church, showed up at our door.
“What if I don’t bleed, Mother? Not every girl does, you know.”
Cold, wrinkled fingertips slide along the gold chain, as my mother offers a lesser smile than before. “The virtuous ones do.”
At her nudge on my arm, I push up from the vanity chair, the air in my chest waning, my hands trembling. I’ve no idea what to expect from the ordination, because no one is permitted to speak of it, and doing so would result in punishment. The long white dress, made of sheer fabric, lace and satin ribbons, will serve as an indicator, a sort of litmus test, for whether I’ll be deemed worthy, or not, when I’m penetrated by the priest. If it carries the blood of my virginity, I’ll be celebrated as pure. If it doesn’t, I’ll be seen as sullied, and treated as a whore for the rest of my life.
All the young girls in the community go through the painstaking effort of saving themselves for this moment, because being a Daughter of the church is as prestigious as the decorations my father received with every advancement in the Legion military. In five years, when my service is complete, I’ll live in a high-born house, the most luxurious Szolen has to offer, with any husband I choose. Every male will long to be with a dutiful Daughter.
My mother will be respected and praised for her genetics.
After all, ugly girls aren’t chosen by God.
“Does he use his fingers, or his cock?” I ask, following her out of the room and down the winding staircase.
“Thalia!” Pausing her descent, my mother twists around, fingers curled around the bannister so tight that her knuckles are white. She probably wishes my throat were beneath that palm. “Mind your tongue.”
Months ago, she wouldn’t have been troubled by my forked tongue, as she often calls it now, but as a mother of the Chosen, she seems to feel the need to stifle everything she deems unholy.
A few more steps down, I shrug. “I just want to know if it’ll hurt, is all. I imagine his finger is the thicker of the two.”
“Enough! Your snarky little remarks are no longer permitted. The moment we reach that church, you are to become a pillar of virtue and grace. Is that clear?”
“So, I have until then to speak my mind?”
“No.