for a horrible moment I thought she was going to start crying. She fiddled with the collar of her shirt, clearly needing to talk. She was hesitant at first.
‘Grandad?’
‘Yes.’
‘It doesn’t matter. Nothing.’
She sat at the kitchen table and I loitered and tried to seem uninterested, pretending to rearrange the fruit bowl. There was one apple and two bananas in it so there was only so much rearranging one could do. I was about to move on to checking the cutlery drawer, as if somehow the cutlery might be missing, when she piped up again. ‘Do you think, did you know . . . ’
Lottie, who is normally so eloquent, able to turn a fine phrase since she was a young girl, seemed to be tying herself in knots to get something out. I remember listening to you two, conversation flowing freely, from my spot in the living room. I desperately tried to think of a way to make things easier for her. ‘Anything on your mind?’
My direct approach seemed to do the trick. Lottie took a breath and began.
‘I was wondering, in the early days with you and Grandma, whether you knew.’
She stopped then and I realised I would have to say something but this was a little subtle for me and I wasn’t absolutely sure what she was getting at. Christ, this is hard. I have attempted more emotional conversations in the last few months than I have done in twenty years. I do sometimes resent you for not training me harder in this area. ‘What do you mean “knew”?’
‘Did you know Grandma was right for you? That you were meant to be together?’
The question took my breath away. How to sum up what I thought about you? Did I tell her that I knew from that first evening we met? That when you looked at me at that summer barn dance with that candid expression, your skin flushed pink from the heat of the day, your eyes glittering, that I was sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life looking into that face?
‘I desperately wanted her to be because I felt lost when I was with her,’ I said slowly. ‘Tongue-tied, hopeless, short of breath.’
Lottie looked a little taken aback. Certainly as I reviewed my words in my head I realised it was rather more Heathcliff than she perhaps thought I was capable of. She did break into a thin smile. ‘You sound so romantic.’ For a moment she seemed happier but then the same troubled expression crossed her face and she shuffled papers in front of her as if summoning up courage to go on. ‘Did you trust her?’
I couldn’t help answering immediately, without a second thought. ‘Oh, absolutely. She was loyal, she was the finest caretaker of my heart I could imagine.’ I never once doubted you. In fact, I remember early in our courtship overhearing your mother cast a doubt on my suitability, and the certainty with which you told her, ‘Teddy is the best man and will make an excellent husband.’ I’d overheard it. How my chest had puffed and I returned to the room with renewed swagger, unable to resist planting a kiss on your cheek, much to your mother’s distress.
Lottie was quiet again, nodding to herself, and I knew this wasn’t just idle curiosity, this wasn’t about us. I might not be as adept at these conversations as you, but something must have rubbed off because even I’m not a complete idiot.
‘Are you worried about Luke?’ I couldn’t keep the surprise from my voice. She had always been so sure about Luke, telling us in those early weeks that she’d found someone special. We were so excited for her, and it had been clear from early on that she was absolutely right.
She didn’t answer and I felt the start of a small fear grip my heart. I always hated to see her unhappy.
‘I think he’s lying to me.’
I was surprised at this statement. Luke didn’t seem like the furtive type. He was a straightforward fellow. You’d always said he had an open, friendly face and I knew what you meant.
‘There’s someone who works for him. She’s young, pretty and, well, I think he was with her earlier.’
Did ‘with her’ mean anything more these days? I wasn’t at all sure of the latest lingo and started to panic. ‘With her?’ I needed clarification.
‘Yes, with her, in a coffee shop by his office.’
Breath left my body as I realised ‘with her’ still