but Elaida could feel her somehow. Elaida could just barely remember spending time dangling in the air, tied to a rope, as she fell in and out of consciousness. When had she been pulled up? What was happening?
A voice whispered from the night. “I shall forgive that little mistake. You have been marath’damane for very long, and bad habits are to be expected. But you will not reach for the Source again without permission. Do you understand?”
“Release me!” Elaida bellowed.
The pain returned tenfold, and Elaida retched at the intensity of it. Her bile and sick-up fell over the side of the beast and dropped far to the ground below.
“Now, now,” the voice said, patient, like a woman speaking to a very young child. “You must learn. Your name is Suffa. And Suffa will be a good damane. Yes she will. A very, very good damane.”
Elaida screamed again, and this time, she didn’t stop when the pain came. She just kept screaming out into the uncaring night.
CHAPTER 42
Before the Stone of Tear
We don’t know the names of the women who were in Graendal’s palace, Lews Therin said. We can’t add them to the list.
Rand tried to ignore the madman. That proved impossible. Lews Therin continued.
How can we continue the list if we don’t know the names! In war, we sought out the Maidens who had fallen. We found every one! The list is flawed! I can’t continue!
It’s not your list! Rand growled. It’s mine, Lews Therin. MINE!
No! the madman sputtered. Who are you? It’s mine! I made it. I can’t continue now that they’re dead. Oh, Light! Balefire? Why did we use balefire! I promised that I would never do that again. . . .
Rand squeezed his eyes shut, holding tightly to Tai’daishar’s reins. The warhorse picked his way down the street; the hooves hit packed earth, one after another.
What have we become? Lews Therin whispered. We’re going to do it again, aren’t we? Kill them all. Everyone we’ve loved. Again, again, again. . . .
“Again and again,” Rand whispered. “It doesn’t matter, as long as the world survives. They cursed me before, swore at Dragonmount and by my name, but they lived. We’re here, ready to fight. Again and again.”
“Rand?” Min asked.
He opened his eyes. She rode her dun mare next to Tai’daishar. He couldn’t let her, or any of them, see him slipping. They mustn’t know how close he was to collapsing.
So many names we don’t know, Lews Therin whispered. So many dead by our hand.
And it was just the beginning.
“I am well, Min,” he said. “I was thinking.”
“About the people?” Min asked. The wooden walks of Bandar Eban were filled with people. Rand no longer saw the colors of their clothing; he saw how worn that clothing was. He saw the rips in the magnificent fabric, the threadbare patches, the dirt and the stains. Virtually everyone in Bandar Eban was a refugee of one sort or another. They watched him with haunted eyes.
Each time he’d conquered a kingdom before, he’d left it better than when he’d arrived. Rand had removed Forsaken tyrants, brought an end to warfare and sieges. He’d cast out Shaido invaders, he’d delivered food, he’d created stability. Each land he’d destroyed had, essentially, been saved at the same time.
Arad Doman was different. He’d brought in food—but that food had drawn even more refugees, straining his supplies. Not only had he failed to give them peace with the Seanchan, he had appropriated their only troops and sent them up to watch the Borderlands. The seas were still unsafe. The tiny Seanchan empress hadn’t trusted him. She would continue her attacks, perhaps double them.
The Domani would be trampled beneath the hooves of war, crushed between the invading Trollocs to the north and the Seanchan to the south. And Rand was leaving them.
Somehow, the people realized that, and it was very hard for Rand to look at them. Their hungry eyes accused him: Why bring hope, then let it dry up, like a newly dug well during a drought? Why force us to accept you as our ruler, only to abandon us?
Flinn and Naeff had ridden before him; he could see their black coats ahead as they sat their horses watching Rand’s procession approach the city square. The pins sparkled on their high collars. The fountain in the square still flowed among gleaming copper horses leaping from copper waves. Which of those silent Domani continued to shine the fountain, when no king ruled and half the merchant council