She wasn't even the type of woman to use being a woman as an excuse.
"I'm going before I make a bigger fool of myself." She walked out of the kitchen, not even remembering why she'd come into the room.
As soon as she stepped behind the counter, Rubble yelled, "Take your break."
"It's okay. I'll work through." She looked for Alyssa and found her beside King, standing next to pool table number three, gazing at her with a worried expression.
"Get the hell out of here." Rubble pointed. "Now."
"Okay. Okay. I'm going." She hurried across the room, sided up to Alyssa, and asked her to go out back with her.
Once she was outside, she groaned loudly in frustration. "Falcon knows."
"About?" Alyssa rubbed her arms against the chill in the night.
"About Dutch." She paced beside the picnic table—probably the same one she'd stolen food off of as a child. "I'm surprised he didn't fire me on the spot for keeping information from him."
"It's not a requisition to divulge all your history before working here." Alyssa sat down on the bench. "He asked. You told him. Things should be fine. It would be different if you'd lied."
She sat down beside her friend. "I don't even know why my connection to Dutch makes a difference to anyone else. It's over."
"Is it?"
She frowned. "You know it is."
"Just wondering if he's made contact with you, and you haven't told me."
"Trust me, it would be the biggest surprise of my life if he did. I'd tell you." She held her hands out in front of her. "I'm shaking."
"Here." Alyssa opened her purse and took out a pack of cigarettes. "It's not weed, but the nicotine will help you relax."
"Thanks." She lit the end of the cigarette and coughed.
Alyssa leaned sideways and nudged her arm. "You've been a good girl lately."
"Too good." She scoffed. "I haven't had a drop of alcohol since reaching my legal age or smoked any weed since I was sixteen years old. You should see the house now. It's so clean because if I'm not working, I'm at home."
"You haven't made friends you can go out with here?"
"Haven't looked, really. Besides, you're my best friend. Going out with others wouldn't be the same." She exhaled on a sigh.
Most days, she imagined her life continuing like it was. She worked. She slept. She cleaned.
There was no Dutch. No one to hear her dreams. No one to encourage her or tell her she was doing a good job. No one to listen to her.
"I think I have Stockholm syndrome," she muttered.
"What's that?"
"Google it when you get home. It'll probably make you laugh or cry." She finished the cigarette.
Alyssa had been right. She felt a little steadier, although weak and dizzy.
Would she always feel less than her whole self without Dutch? She hadn't found the answers to any of her problems moving to Moses Lake. Now it seemed like she'd added on to the stress by moving here.
The future looked depressing and lonely.
She had no desire for someone else to take Dutch's place. No one would ever understand or know her the way he had. She would always fear telling someone else her past.
How would she explain that a biker stole her, gave her to his sister, and she'd fallen in love with him—a man twenty years older than her who ended up going to prison before they could even have sex? And that she'd always love him?
Not to mention, she would never answer someone who asked why she never went to the police once she got old enough to know what Dutch had done to her.
He'd bettered her life when he gave her to Rachel and Skull. She couldn't imagine having never grown up with the WAKOM members as an extended family.
She could never imagine not loving Dutch.
"I've seen him, you know," said Alyssa.
"I thought you would." She stood, not wanting to know anything about what Dutch was doing now that he was free. "I need to go back to work."
If Dutch went on with his life, it would destroy her.
"Do you want me to call you when we get back to Bellevue?"
Quickly, she hugged Alyssa. "Yes, please do."
"God, I miss you. I'm sorry coming here caused you to deal with your connection to Dutch and people in Bellevue. I know you wanted to make a clean break."
"I did. I do. But that doesn't mean I don't want you in my life. I miss you more than you'll ever know." She gathered all the strength she could muster