the one I shot myself—I couldn’t stop reliving that moment. The boy’s determined look as he pointed and fired, pointed and fired; my own aiming circle dropping from his head to his knees, and then just as I pulled the trigger, his annoyed frown at being jostled. His knees hit the pavement just as my bullet ripped his heart out, and for an instant he still had that annoyed expression. Then he pitched forward, dead before his face hit the ground.
Something in me died then, too. Even through the belated stabilizing soup of mood drugs. I knew there was only one way to get rid of the memory.
* * *
julian was wrong on that score. One of the first things the counselor told him was “You know, it is possible to erase specific memories. We can make you forget killing that boy.” Dr. Jefferson was a black man maybe twenty years older than Julian. He rubbed a fringe of gray beard. “But it’s not simple or complete. There would be emotional associations we can’t erase, because it’s impossible to track down every neuron that was affected by the experience.”
“I don’t think I want to forget,” Julian said. “It’s part of what I am now, for better or worse.”
“Not better, and you know it. If you were the type of person who could kill and walk away from it, the army would’ve put you in a hunter/killer platoon.”
They were in a wood-paneled office in Portobello, bright native paintings and woven rugs on the walls. Julian obeyed an obscure impulse and reached over to feel the rough wool of a rug. “Even if I forget, he stays dead. It doesn’t seem right.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I owe him my grief, my guilt. He was just a kid, caught up in the—”
“Julian, he had a gun and was firing all over the place. You probably saved lives by killing him.”
“Not our lives. We were all safe, here.”
“Civilians’ lives. You don’t do yourself any good by thinking of him as a helpless boy. He was heavily armed and out of control.”
“I was heavily armed and in control. I aimed to disable him.”
“The more reason for you not to blame yourself.”
“Have you ever killed anybody?” Jefferson shook his head, one short jerk. “Then you don’t know. It’s like not being a virgin anymore. You can erase the memory of the event, okay, but that wouldn’t make me a virgin again. Like you say, ‘emotional associations.’ Wouldn’t I be even more fucked up? Not being able to trace those feelings back to their trigger?”
“All that I can say is that it’s worked with other people.”
“Ah ha. But not with everybody.”
“No. It’s not an exact science.”
“Then I respectfully decline.”
Jefferson leafed through the file on his desk. “You may not be allowed to decline.”
“I can disobey an order. This isn’t combat. A few months in the stockade wouldn’t kill me.”
“It’s not that simple.” He counted off on his fingers. “One, a trip to the stockade might kill you. The shoe guards are selected for aggressiveness and they don’t like mechanics.
“Two, a prison term would be disastrous to your professional life. Do you think the University of Texas has ever granted tenure to a black ex-con?
“Three, you may not have any choice, literally. You have clear-cut suicidal tendencies. So I can—”
“When did I ever say anything about suicide?”
“Probably never.” The doctor took the top sheet from the file and handed it to Julian. “This is your overall personality profile. The dotted line is average for men at your age when you were drafted. Look at the line above ‘Su.’”
“This is based on some written test I took five years ago?”
“No, it integrates a number of factors. Army tests, but also various clinical observations and evaluations made since you were a child.”
“And on the basis of that, you can force me into a medical procedure, against my will?”
“No. On the basis of ‘I’m a colonel and you’re a sergeant.’”
Julian leaned forward. “You’re a colonel who took the Hippocratic oath and I’m a sergeant with a doctorate in physics. Can we talk for just a minute like two men who’ve spent most of their lives in school?”
“Sorry. Go ahead.”
“You’re asking me to accede to a medical treatment that will drastically affect my memory. Am I supposed to believe that there’s no chance that it will hurt my ability to do physics?”
Jefferson was silent for a moment. “The chance is there, but it’s very small. And you sure won’t be doing