“What? When? Why?” she spouts off the questions in rapid succession.
“Late last night or really early in the morning—however you want to look at it. I broke it off because I need to focus on school and football. I want Lily to enjoy her time away at college. It’s not forever, but she took it pretty hard.”
“Wow. I don’t understand. Wow.”
“I know,” I agree. “It’s complicated.”
“I imagine it has to be. I thought you were so in love with her.”
“I am. The timing is just off right now.”
“Hmm…well, I’m really sorry, Jax. Whatever your reasons, I know it must not have been easy for you.” She wraps her arm around my back and gives me a side hug before standing up. “Let’s order in and work on that paper. Does Chinese sound okay?”
“Sounds fine.”
The days pass in a blur. I pour myself into my classes and practices. Two weeks go by without talking to Lily, and I miss her. I miss her so much that it is physically painful. I don’t know how long I should wait to contact her, but I need to know she’s okay.
I grab my phone.
Me: How are you?
Her response is immediate.
Little: Not good.
Me: Me neither. I miss you.
Damn, here I go, pulling another dick move. But it is true. I do miss her…like crazy.
Little: Me, too.
Little: Having second thoughts?
I let out an audible sigh as I type my response.
Me: No. I’m sorry.
It’s only been two weeks—a very difficult two weeks—but I didn’t come to this decision lightly. I need to give it time. I still have all the same pressures I had when I broke things off. I don’t have enough time or energy to give to Lily.
Me: It’s only been two weeks, Little. It will get better.
I stare at my phone for a couple of minutes, waiting to see the notification that she has read my text…but it doesn’t come.
Me: Lil?
Nothing. And I can’t blame her.
My life at college hasn’t changed much. I’ve been busy every day since I came here over two years ago. My daily schedule is the same as always, but the thought of not dating Lily is hard to swallow.
Life is going on, moving forward, when I should be mourning. But none of my responsibilities here care if I’m broken. It doesn’t matter as long as I perform. And I do. I’m Jax Porter. I always do.
It’s the night before Thanksgiving. Coach has given permission to anyone who lives in close vicinity to go home for the holiday as long as we report back bright and early on Friday morning to leave for our Ohio State game.
I wonder briefly if I should skip the holiday. I’m not sure how I will handle seeing Lily again or how she will do with seeing me. It’s going to be so strange, being in a room with Lily and not knowing what to do or say. I’ve never experienced that before.
I suck it up and drive home because…regardless of the awkwardness, I’m dying to see her.
“Jax, honey, can you grab me the beater from the drawer?” my mom asks as she pours a carton of heavy whipping cream into a large metal bowl.
I grab it and hand it to her. She plugs it in and starts to whip the cream for her homemade pumpkin pies.
“Everything all right?” she yells over the sound. “You seem quiet.”
“Just tired,” I say back in a raised voice.
She hasn’t mentioned Lily since I got home, which makes me think that Lily hasn’t told her family about the break either. If Lily’s mom knows something, chances are mine does, too. This is going to make dinner that much more uncomfortable.
“Actually, Mom?”
She turns off the beater. “What is it, honey?”
“Lily and I broke up.”
“What? Really?” She looks shocked.
I explain everything to her as best I can. I’m so tired of explaining myself, convincing others of my reasoning. She listens attentively. Her eyes are wide, and she throws in a head nod every now and then when I ask some rhetorical questions.
“So, over a month ago?” she clarifies.
“Yes. It’s weird that she hasn’t told her mom. I mean, if she had, you would have heard about it by now, right?”
“Probably. Unless Lily asked her mom not to tell me.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I agree. “Can you do me a favor? At dinner, can you not mention anything to Lily or her family? I want to make sure she is