urgency, the carnal desire to be with each other again.
I made love to Lily until we couldn’t stay awake any longer, and then I fell asleep, happy, with thoughts that everything was going to be okay. With Lily in my arms, all was right in the world.
Saturday brought the stress of the game against our rival, Michigan State. Losing wasn’t an option. The game brought the pressure of my reality back to the forefront. Sometime from kickoff to running through the tunnel toward the locker rooms after our hard-fought victory to seeing my dad after the game, I knew. I’d like to think it was all my dad’s fault, but perhaps he was just the catalyst I needed to actually go through with ending it with Lily. She deserved a face-to-face explanation, so I knew I had to do it while she was here in Ann Arbor.
She had shown up and surprised me when I was at my lowest, and it gave me the opportunity to set her free, to let her go—for now. So, I did. I broke her heart—after I’d made love to her and worshiped every part of her body. It was probably wrong of me to make love to her moments before I ended it.
Thinking back on it now, the concept sounds horrible. But at the time, I just needed to feel her once more. I had to show her with my hands, my mouth, and my body how much I loved her, how I worshiped her, how I craved her. I had to convey this, so she would know that the break wouldn’t last forever. It was crucial for her to believe that all this madness had nothing to do with the way I felt about her. Or maybe I needed her to see that, in fact, it had everything to do with her.
Because I love her down to the depths of my soul, I had to let her go. Because she is the most important person to me, I couldn’t drag her through the next two years. Because her happiness means more to me than my own, I needed to set her free, so she could live her life with joy instead of the stress I’d cause.
Finally, I had to make love to her one more time because that experience, that memory, will get me through the next two years without her. When at my lowest, I will pull it up to remind me what it is all for. That memory will keep me going until I ask her to come back to me. I’m hoping that it will do the same for her. When she thinks about it, I hope it brings her peace, and she knows that we will be together again.
I’m hoping I conveyed that message strongly enough, that this break isn’t permanent but instead an unfortunate temporary result from shitty circumstances. To be honest, I can’t remember exactly what was said, but if she took anything to heart, I hope it was that I loved her, and we’d be together when this was all said and done.
“Knock, knock.” Stella’s voice wakes me up.
My eyes are still closed, and I’m trying to recall why she’s here.
“Can I come in?”
I stretch, lifting my hands above my head. The present seeps into my sleepy haze, and I remember the events of last night. “Yeah?” I grumble into the pillow.
“Are you hungry? Do you want to order some dinner?”
Dinner? “What time is it?”
“Almost six.”
“Almost six?” I repeat, sitting up abruptly. I bring my palms to my head and rub my temples, allowing my brain to catch up with my sudden movement.
“Yeah.” Stella lets out a small chuckle. “You must have been tired.”
“I was beat.”
“Do you feel better?”
“A little.”
“Well, I thought if I let you sleep much longer, you might be mad at me. Remember Professor Ackerman assigned that paper at the last minute last week?”
“Yeah, I remember.” I swing my legs over the side of the bed and place my feet on the floor. I go to stand, but then it hits me that I’m no longer dating Lily, and I sit back down. Resting my elbows on my knees, I hold my head in my hands and breathe. My chest heaves as I try to work through the emotions that just knocked the wind out of me. My brain is still too groggy to process it all.