did you know things weren’t going well at work?”
Ellie smiled. “Zeke talks about you a lot. Probably more than he realizes.”
Jill sighed. “That’s nice. Except that what he’s talking about is true.”
“Do you always get things right with the penguins?”
Jill thought about that for a moment. Then she nodded. “Yes. Penguins are the one thing I know for sure. I’ve spent my life studying them. Working with them. I’ve dedicated myself to them. All of my time and energy. And now, I’ve been entrusted with these eight and I can’t seem to make anything work.” She looked at Ellie. “How am I supposed to have a baby and make sure it’s safe and healthy and raised properly when I can’t even take care of the things that I have literally spent years figuring out?”
“Ah,” Ellie said, nodding. “And that’s why you need comforting.”
“Yeah, I guess so. No offense to your grandson and all, but Zeke and I don’t really have any business raising another human being.”
Ellie chuckled. “Why is that?”
“Because we are both completely irresponsible.”
“Now what makes you say that?”
“I can’t get to any appointments on time. I don’t remember birthdays or other important dates. He keeps falling off of things or getting hurt other ways. Neither of us should really be using a stove. If you give either of us anything other than cotton or denim we’ll probably ruin it.”
“The problem is that your definition of responsible is wrong.”
“What do you mean? Being responsible is being able to take care of things, right?”
“Being responsible is making sure that the things that need taking care of get taken care of. And I believe it means admitting when you’re not the best one to take care of something and calling whoever is. For instance, if something needs built or fixed, Zeke or Mitch should do it. But if your dog is sick, Tori or Griffin should take care of that. And if you need kickass shrimp creole or the best muffuletta you’ve ever had, you call Cora. But you want bread pudding that’ll ruin you for all others, you call me.”
“But shouldn’t we be the best ones for our baby?”
Ellie scoffed. “Having a baby means you just magically know how to fix everything and heal everything and make everything?”
“I guess…not.”
“I’ve done it five times. And those five have done it eleven more times total. And I can promise you that none of us have all the answers even now.”
“But…I like having answers.”
“You’re going to have to get over that.”
This wasn’t particularly reassuring.
“If it makes you feel better,” Ellie said, reading her expression. “By number five, you do know a bit more than you do with number one.”
“Number five?” she repeated. Jill felt her stomach turn over. And she wasn’t sure if it was her or the baby reacting to the idea of having four more.
“But I’ll tell you a secret…every one of those babies will be different—thank God—so no matter how much experience you get, it won’t totally prepare you. It’s not like bread pudding, or building houses.” Ellie shrugged. “Actually, I’m guessin’ it’s a lot more like taking care of penguins.”
“How so?”
“For all they have in common, I’m guessin’ those birds are all individuals, right? Just when you think you know what you’re doin’, one will surprise you.”
“Or eight of them will surprise you.”
Ellie smiled. “Exactly.”
“Considering nothing is going according to plan with the penguins, that’s not really comforting,” Jill told her.
“Oh, did you think I was trying to be comforting?”
“You weren’t?”
“The cereal is supposed to be comforting. I’m here to tell you that being uncomfortable is just fine. If you’re not feeling discomfited about being a mom, you’re not taking it seriously enough.”
Jill felt how wide her eyes were. “So I should be worried and there’s nothing that can make me feel better?”
“I don’t know about should or shouldn’t… you just will worry. So there’s no sense in worrying about the worrying. What you can do about it, is ask for help. If nothin’ else, havin’ other people worry with you feels better than worryin’ alone.”
Jill thought about that. She appreciated Ellie’s honesty. She wasn’t saying it was all going to be all right. Which Jill wouldn’t have believed.
“It’s like a hurricane,” Ellie said.
“Having a baby is like a hurricane?” Jill asked.
“For sure. Once it’s comin’, it’s out of your hands to slow it down or stop it. You just have to hold on tight to something that’s anchored deep, pray a lot, and get ready to clean up