“So… I kind of slept with a taser. Got him right in the dick.”
His entire everything changes instantly. “No, you didn’t,” he almost shouts, his laughter music to my ears.
I nod. “I did. And then I left right away and ran to Amy. I told her all about it, and Amy told Trevor and… well, let’s just say it took Peter a while to be able to breathe through his nose again.”
“Damn,” he says through a chuckle.
“Honestly, though, I feel bad,” I admit, getting more comfortable in his presence. “He was a genuine friend to Trevor for a long time, even if he saw me as… whatever.”
“A genuine friend wouldn’t do what he did, Ava,” he says, sitting taller.
I grab a glass and fill it with water, then slide it across the counter to him. “Yeah, I know, but there’s still guilt there, and I’m trying to work through it all. It’s just one of the many things I’m working through.” I watch, transfixed, as his Adam’s apple slides against his throat when he downs the water. Then I swallow, push away the thoughts flooding through my mind: I could lick him there.
He lowers the glass, his eyes on my lips, and I blink. Hard. Come back to reality. I say, my words rushed so he doesn’t have a chance to speak, “The program that Mom’s in—it’s pretty extensive in that they offer therapy for family members, too, so I go there once a week and—” he licks his lips “—and um…” I look away. “Yeah.”
“That’s good, Ava,” he says, his voice even. “I’m glad you have that support. You deserve it. Hell, you earned it.”
I rub my neck with the back of my fingers, feeling my racing pulse beating there. Then I inhale a huge breath, let it out in a whoosh. Over a year of holding everything in, and it’s time to let go. I’m sure of it. “Connor,” I say, but it comes out a whisper. I clear my throat, lift my chin, try to keep it all together. “A lot was going on when I um… when I left, I was in a pretty dark place…”
His eyes soften. “I know.”
“No, you don’t. There were moments where I gave up hope, not just for Mom, but for me, and—”
“I know,” he says, reaching across, the tips of his fingers taking hold of mine. Heartache forces my eyes closed. “Ava, look at me.” And hope forces them open again. “There was a night I’d left my phone in your room, and we were recording the assignment for multimedia…”
I gasp, low and slow.
“I saw everything.”
A single sob escapes me, and I cover my face with my hands. “Oh, god…” I hear him get out of his chair, but I turn away, not wanting him to see me like this. Shame floods my bloodline, closing my airways.
“Hey,” he says, his hand on my back, soothing. And then he’s turning me to him, his arms wrapping around me.
This.
This is all I’ve wanted.
All I’ve needed.
And then he holds my head to his chest, my ear over his heart, and I break when I hear it.
When I feel it.
Thump, thump.
Thump, thump.
Magic.
Another sob forms in my throat, and he holds me tighter. “I wish I’d known,” he says, his voice shaking. “I wish I could’ve seen it as it was happening, but I was so consumed with what was going on in my life at the time, and I’m sorry, Ava. Fuck, I’m so sorry.”
I wipe my tears on his chest, like I’d done too many times before, and pull back, look up at him, my hands grasping onto his T-shirt. “Miss Turner told me about Wendy,” I cry. “I’m sorry, Connor. I know that you told me to trust you with all of it, and I should have. I regret it every day. But I can’t change it.”
His thumbs slide along my cheek, and he stares at me, his eyes clear puddles of devastation. “Would it have changed anything?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so,” I tell him honestly. “I think I still would’ve left. Things were so bad—”
“I get it, Ava. I do.” His brow dips. “But if we’re throwing it all out there, it took me a long time to accept that you leaving wasn’t the same as you abandoning me—”
“Oh, God, Connor,” I whisper. “I would never—”
“I know, and I don’t want that to add to your guilt. I’m sorry I mentioned it.”
“No. I want you to tell me.”