like good candidates, but I’m leaving it completely up to you to choose since you’re the one who will be stuck with them.”
“And because you’ll be in Mexico for the next two weeks before moving to California.”
“And that.”
“So basically, you’re just making me do your dirty work,” I say, because joking is the only thing I can do right now to keep myself from dissolving into a salty puddle of tears.
Stacy knows. She smiles softly and puts a hand on either side of my face before smooshing my cheeks together. “You’ll make the right choice. I know it.” She lets go of my face to smack my butt as she passes.
Slowly, the sounds of squealing bridesmaids and Justin Timberlake re-enter my consciousness, and I turn around to find Stacy tossing me a pretty silk robe. The bridesmaids catcall and taunt me to strip my clothes off. Somewhere, Miss Mable is proud of them.
“Uh, I think I’d rather change in the bathroom.” I’m not actually that shy of my body. If it were just Stacy, I’d be fine. But I have enough self-awareness to know my body image is fragile lately, and I don’t totally trust whatever drunken words will come out of these women’s mouths.
“Need me to come with you?” Stacy asks.
I point to the slippers I brought her. “No, you need to slip your feet into those little slices of paradise and relax. I’ll be right back.”
I head down the long church hallway to the women’s bathroom and, once inside, choose the first stall of the row. No more middles for me. Although the sanctuary of the church is newly remodeled and looks beautiful, this bathroom appears as though it’s been neglected since the days of prehistoric life. I’m pretty sure it hasn’t been cleaned since then either.
I slip into the stall and carefully drape the fine silk robe over the door while I change out of my clothes. Once I’ve stripped down and hung my clothes over the door beside the robe, I reach for the pink silk fabric, and like a magic trick, it slips off the other side and disappears before my very eyes. There’s nothing I hate more than having magic forced on me.
For a split second, I worry that my robe has landed on the gross floor and I’ll catch something truly disgusting when I put it on. Then, I hear giggles followed by another disappearing act: my clothes.
Someone—the ringleader, Carly, I’m assuming—very maturely shouts, “Time to loosen up, Prudish Polly!”
They hightail it out of the bathroom as if they expect me to chase them out of the bathroom like we’re back in a college dormitory and I have water balloons stuffed in my bra, ready for a prank war at all times.
Fact: People stuck in their college days are more annoying than ingrown hairs.
I sigh and can’t help but wonder what events in my life have led me back to this place of being half-naked in a stall twice in one week. Oh, AND I’m phoneless because it was in my jeans pocket. So, great. Just great.
I have no other choice but to leave this stall in my bra and panties and walk as quickly as I can back to the bridal suite where, instead of holding each woman down to Sharpie something mean on their faces like my gut insists, I will say Ha ha, very funny! and then funnel coffee down their throats for the rest of the afternoon. I know. #maidofhonorgoals.
The gross cream tile floor is cold and sticky against my bare feet as I inch my way toward the door. The air feels extra chilly now, and I’m almost certain it’s like this because the church officials didn’t anticipate needing to make the temperature more accommodating for a woman walking around nearly naked.
On my way to the door, I stop by the paper towel dispenser and crank out a long strand of stiff brown paper and begin wrapping it around my body, mummy style. It’s not doing much in the coverage department, and I have to walk like I’m wearing a mermaid fin, but at least it’s better than nothing.
I crack open the bathroom door and peer down the hallway in both directions, verifying that the coast is clear. When I step out, the hallway seems to grow in length, but I can see the bridal suite at the far end of the hall and am already relaxing knowing that no one will see me like this.
Except, when I’m