Maybe I’m just an ungrateful wretch. Look at all I have, two great kids, bright and not ever sick. A husband. Maybe it’s not his fault everything has always gone wrong for him, he is trying. A house that I can nearly afford. A car.
“Oh, hello Brian. How’s the garden?” Lucy walked a couple of paces into Brian’s garden and looked round. “Are you planting more bulbs? I wouldn’t have thought you needed to. Your daffodils were lovely in the spring.”
“Thanks, Lucy. They did well this year. I’m adding in some extra narcissi. Fancy ones, with double centres. And some crocuses. How’re things in your garden? Martin should plant those tulips I suggested, if he hasn’t already. Here, have a narcissus, he can put it in with the tulips,” Brian handed Lucy a bulb. “How is Martin keeping? Difficult times for a business, have to keep busy, I suppose. Don’t see him round much these days, always rushing off somewhere?”
“Yes,” said Lucy, “always busy.”
“Well, that’s good to see. A man has to get out in the big world, hunt the mammoth, bring it home to the cave.” He struck a pose. “Man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do!”
“That’s what they say,” said Lucy.
“Hear you’re keeping up the little job, too. That’s great, Lucy. Keep your hand in, don’t get rusty. Shame to see women wasting good qualifications. Lovely to see you getting to do good, helping people.”
“Yes” said Lucy “the pay is nice, too.”
“But in your situation, the money can’t be important. Surely it’s more for the interest of it?” Brian stuck his spade into the ground and leant back against his car, smiling at her.
Complacent bastard, thought Lucy. The whole world works according to how it’s worked out for you. Your wife never had to go out to work. You probably wouldn’t let her, it would have made you look small. You didn’t have a difficult spouse to deal with. You didn’t have to walk the world in a foreign language, everyone was speaking the same settled family-values speak that you are. You got recognition for what you achieved. You didn’t have to smile sweetly and pretend it was Marie who made all your money, paid for your life. You got support from everyone. Dammit, you were a man with an at-home wife. Standard issue. Nothing to explain. Just weed your bloody garden again and go in for tea. Oh shit.
Lucy looked at Brian. She saw a nice, gentle, well-meaning man. He didn’t mean it to hurt. None of them meant anything to hurt so much. Maybe not even Martin, he just doesn’t ever think about anything outside himself. The World According To Martin, that’s what I’m living in. And this is a subsection, the world as seen through Brian’s eyes. Well, here goes, let’s introduce just one of them to the world as experienced by Lucy. I can’t be part of this lie any more.
“Well, not really, Brian,” said Lucy, “the money is vital. I’m paying the mortgage, the bills, the school ‘voluntary contribution’ and extras and for the admittedly very small mammoth,” She raised the hand holding a supermarket bag. “So I don’t have much time to wonder whether I’m interested in my job, or helping anyone. Just my kids. Better go and cook the mammoth. Thank you for the bulb.” She smiled what she hoped was a hugely confident smile and set off up the road home, pretending not to notice Brian’s puzzled face.
It was a lie I was helping to propagate. I’ve been being dishonest to myself too, by doing it. But I wonder, will being honest make things work out any easier. Do I have the energy for honesty all the time? It’s easier just to go with the flow.
“No, Lucy, going with the flow is only easy in that you don’t have to paddle. But you’re more likely to hit rocks, or be overturned. If you can’t get ashore, at least steer.”
Maybe I’ll just take it one step at a time. Give myself credit for achieving what I do. Lucy stopped walking, as a momentous thought came to her. “Oh God,” she whispered “help Martin realise how much I do.” Lucy rummaged in her bag for a tissue, and blew her nose.
“What were you asking the Boss about? I wish you wouldn’t close me out of those communications. I could talk to Roki about Martin, he might be able to help. Though on second thoughts, he’s never shown enough maturity to help