Desperately Seeking - By Evelyn Cosgrave Page 0,84

thing I’d been longing to hear for months? Whatever about my own feelings, whatever about the things I’d been too frightened to acknowledge to myself, if Keith could say he thought Mike loved me, then maybe, just maybe, it was true. How could I say to Keith that he was right, that, yes, I was wholly and utterly in love with my ex-brother-in-law despite the several reasons that suggested it was a bad idea? It was the truth and it was wonderful to hear it. How could I say to Keith that I agreed wholeheartedly we couldn’t get married? That I was in love with another man and it was no basis on which to start a marriage?

‘It just crept up on me,’ was all I managed.

‘Yeah?’ He sounded bored.

‘I’ve known him practically all my life. I never thought I was in love with him. But lately… yeah… I might have changed the way I think of him. But I was never going to do anything about it. You must believe me, Keith. I was genuine when I said I thought we could be happy. And I have no idea what he feels. I was never going to pursue it. You do believe me?’

‘I don’t think you’ve been having an affair behind my back, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

‘I would never do that… I…’ I didn’t want to continue that line of thought but there was one thing I had to find out. ‘Keith, how did you know?’

‘I’ve seen the way he looks at you.’

‘But I – I’ve never –’

He stood up in front of me and waved his arms about. ‘Look, Kate, I don’t want to become your therapist. I’m gutted enough that it’s not me who keeps you awake nights without having to analyse how you fell in love with your architect friend. I don’t know what it was. Maybe that you never stop talking about him. Or that your face lights up the minute his name is mentioned. Or that you go running to him when you want advice on changing your career, or cooking your dinner parties. I don’t know, Kate… I just know it isn’t me.’

I was silent. I had been told that my fiancé had observed me falling in love with the recently deserted husband of my eldest sister. I had a lot to think about. Perhaps I hadn’t behaved very well. If you allow impossible thoughts to fester they can only do damage. Whatever about me, I would survive, but Keith wasn’t in a good position. And it was my fault. I was a horrible person.

He went into the kitchenette and, in a few minutes, I could hear the kettle boiling. ‘You’re out of milk,’ he said. ‘I’ll go and get some.’

‘OK,’ I said.

It was a bizarre situation. As break-ups go, it would have to rank as one of the most amicable. Apart from raising his voice the odd time, there was little other indication that Keith was mad at me. And the oddest thing was that at this minute I felt a huge affection for him. He had delivered me from my agony. He had done what I hadn’t had the guts to do and I was grateful to him. He knew I would have married him, he knew I would have tried, but he also knew, better than I did, that it couldn’t have worked. No matter how hard you try, you can’t pretend you’re not in love with someone, even if that love is inappropriate. Keith was stronger and braver than I could ever be. I admired him, I was full of affection for him, but I was not in love with him. I never had been. I think I was in love with the idea of myself with him – balanced, relaxed, together – but you can’t rely on someone else to turn you into something you’re not. Even if I was to remain a mess for the rest of my life, at least now I wouldn’t bring him down with me.

I heard the door open and he was in the kitchenette again, making tea. I followed him in.

‘I’m really sorry, you know.’

‘I know.’

‘I didn’t plan it or even really know it was happening, I… I’m sorry.’

‘It’s OK. It’s one of those things.’

‘You’re an amazing person, you know, you deserve so much better than me, and you –’

‘Let me stop you there, Kate, before you tell me there’s somebody equally wonderful out there for me. It’s OK. I’ll