Desperately Seeking - By Evelyn Cosgrave Page 0,85

get over it.’

Despite the steely sarcasm of his tone, I knew he was right: he didn’t need me to tell him anything. He handed me a mug of tea. ‘I’m going to pack my things and then I’ll go.’

‘There’s no hurry.’

He slid past without touching me.

Two minutes later he was standing in the middle of the living room, a carry-all bag in either hand. I walked towards him. I handed him back his ring. He wasn’t going to take it, but I insisted. He dropped the bags and wrapped his arms round me. Our cheeks touched and our tears mingled.

‘Look after yourself,’ he said.

‘You too.’

And then he was gone.

15

So, as I sat in my empty apartment, I had a lot to think about. To say I was in a depression was to put it far too strongly. I don’t think my nature is capable of truly sustained melancholy, but life was nowhere near normal. I knew I didn’t deserve sympathy, that a good horsewhipping was probably in order. Yet I missed Keith. Not in the sense that I wished we hadn’t broken up, but I missed his company, I missed the solidity he lent to my life. There was a space he used to occupy and now it was empty. But something was dawning on me. I had finally realized that I couldn’t keep throwing myself from one man to another without giving any thought to suitability or consequences. I was nearly thirty, for God’s sake. Most people my age were in stable relationships or, at least, they weren’t doing everything they could to sabotage their chances of one. Colette was the same age as me and she had two children. Nobody I knew was as determined to be a mess as I was.

The sadness I felt at losing Keith was deepening and the excitement I had felt at the possibility of something happening with Mike had subsided. It was crazy even to think it. Jean might be easy-going and liberal about their break-up, and about his seeing other women, but she wasn’t going to be that liberal. As Marion said, she doesn’t like sharing. And I had no reason to believe that Mike thought of me as anything other than his ex-wife’s rather silly sister. Sure, Keith had said he thought there was something there, but I could hardly press him for details. And, yes, there had been that fantastic afternoon in my apartment. But I wonder now if I’d imagined it all; I’d lodged myself in a warp bubble where Mike was mine. Yet he had seemed happy to be there. And then there was the way he’d kissed me goodbye. In all the years that Mike and I have been giving each other friendly kisses and comradely hugs, there had never been the kind of electricity that had pervaded our semi-kiss that afternoon. And it hadn’t only come from me. I knew he’d always liked me, always looked out for me, but I also knew that that was a million miles away from the kind of thing I’d been contemplating. There was nothing for it. I’d just have to get dressed, go out, buy food and face the rest of my life as it was.

I hadn’t said anything to anybody else. I wasn’t ready to explain, especially when I didn’t have a good story ready. Everybody knew Keith was too good for it to have been his fault so it had to have been mine, and I wasn’t up to being the bad guy again. I needed to be alone for a while to straighten out my head.

It was just as well that everybody was preoccupied with their own lives. Lucy and Iris were busy babying up; they had seen the obstetrician and been to the first ante-natal class. They were shopping for minuscule vests and painting a nursery; they were busy being in love. Jean’s time was taken up with her new flat, and Marion and Ruth had been co-opted by Mum to help organize everything for Anna’s visit. I didn’t have the energy for a big family thing, in particular a hullabaloo for a sister I hardly ever see and don’t know all that well anyway.

I think my reluctance to come out of hibernation might have been due partly to fear of bumping into Mike. I didn’t know what might happen and since I had decided that nothing should happen it was better that I didn’t see him. There was no reason for us ever