Desperately Seeking - By Evelyn Cosgrave Page 0,83

idea that he’d thought so too. And why now, when I was doing everything to try to make it work, was he so positive that it wouldn’t?

I joined him at the window. He was leaning against the sill, his pose almost casual as if there was nothing more bothering him than what he would have for his tea. ‘What’s changed, Keith? Something has to make you think this way.’

For a while he didn’t say anything. He seemed to be reflecting on what he was going to say next, or on exactly how he would put it.

‘Look, Kate, I nearly got married before, but I didn’t because I didn’t believe I was in love. And I was right. But with you… with you, I was so caught up that I didn’t even notice you weren’t in love with me. And it breaks my heart to do this… believe me.’ He kept his eyes fixed ahead of him as he spoke.

I didn’t believe he was serious. He could still be persuaded There was no need to ruin everything just because he was having a few doubts. ‘Then why do it? We have as good a chance of being happy as anybody else. We’re friends, we care about each other, we’ve been very happy together. I know I’m a bit flighty at times, but I’m settling down. You’ve helped me to settle down.’

‘No. You’re not settling down,’ he said, swinging round to face me so that his mouth was only inches from mine. ‘You’re about to go back to college. You’re going to have new experiences, meet new people. You’re going to want to do crazy things…’

‘Is that it?’ I asked him. ‘Is that what you’re worried about? That I’ll meet some twenty-year-old and want to run away with him?’

‘No. Maybe. No.’

‘What exactly are you saying?’

He walked away. He was practically striding. He walked across the room several times before he settled on the couch. His face was red and his temples were throbbing visibly. ‘Kate, I don’t know if you fully realize this, but not only are you not in love with me you are in love with somebody else.’

It was as if he had reached out and struck me across the face. How could he say that? How could he know it? But the worst of it was that he was wrong. Could it really be that that man was still ruining my life? I knelt beside him and, with my two hands, made him look at me.

‘You’re wrong,’ I said. ‘That’s over. It’s absolutely over. I care nothing for him. When he was creeping round here over the summer I sent him packing. I felt nothing for him. I know I should have told you everything from the beginning but I couldn’t bear it. I was ashamed… Who told you, anyway?’

He was silent for what seemed like eternity. When he spoke it was as if he had just worked out a difficult problem in trigonometry. ‘Oh, you mean Daniel O’Hanlon,’ he said, smiling crookedly. ‘I’ve known about Daniel O’Hanlon since the first night I met you. One of your work colleagues let me in on the secret. I’m not talking about him.’

I was mystified. He’d known about Daniel all along? Why had he never said anything? What must he think of me? But, more importantly, if he wasn’t talking about Daniel, who was he talking about?

‘Keith,’ I said, ‘you’re confusing me. What are you talking about? I’m not in love with anybody else.’

He sighed, as if he really didn’t want to have to spell it out for me. He was looking at me with a mixture of incredulity and annoyance. ‘Your precious brother-in-law,’ he spat out. ‘Or I should say your ex-brother-in-law.’

‘Mike?’ I said. ‘You think I love Mike?’

‘Yes,’ he said, rather sarcastically. ‘I think you love Mike. And I think he fucking loves you back, so if you don’t mind, I’d really rather not be in the middle of all that.’

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think anything I could say would be appropriate. But I couldn’t help realizing that what he had said filled me with such excitement that I was in danger of forgetting I was in the middle of a break-up with my fiancé.

He was pacing again. My cheap beige carpet was beginning to show the wear.

‘Do you deny it?’ he asked, pausing at the window again.

I didn’t know what to say. How could I say to Keith that he had articulated the one