work.’
‘And what does he want?’
‘Oh, to start things up again. It seems that now the fifth baby is born, things are a little hectic in the O’Hanlon household. He’s obviously not getting any at the moment…’
Our waitress had been hovering for ever, so it was time we looked at our menus and ordered something.
‘Are we drinking wine?’ asked Colette.
‘Definitely,’ I answered.
‘That man should be taken out and have his balls cut off,’ she said matter-of-factly.
I smiled. I told her about the first time he’d called to the flat and the wreck I’d become at the sight of him.
‘And he’s been back since?’
‘Twice! Thank God Keith has never been there.’
‘What did you say to him?’
‘Well, after the first time, I was a lot calmer and better able to put it clearly and succinctly to him that I never, ever wanted to see him again. I was actually a little surprised at myself. I thought that, maybe, after everything we’d been through – and I really did believe he was the true love of my life – that there’d be something, some tiny regret maybe that it couldn’t have worked out. I mean, there he was, on my doorstep, offering me everything I’d wanted less than a year before.’
‘But there was nothing?’
‘Nothing but revulsion.’
‘Strong word.’
‘Strong feeling. I wasted so much of my time and energy and love on that man, and he’s just not worth it. Any man who would cheat on his wife and kids has to be scum.’
The waitress arrived with our starters and two glasses of cold wine.
‘Well, that’s got to be good. I mean, if you’d been having any doubts about yourself and Keith…’
‘The truth is I’ve been having doubts about myself and Keith since the very beginning. I only said yes to him because I couldn’t work out how to say no. And if I had said no, that would have been the end and I didn’t want it to end. Being with Keith is so relaxing.’
‘Almost as if he was a lesbian.’
We laughed.
‘It’s not funny, you know,’ I continued, wiping away the wine that had come down my nose. ‘Here I am trying to sort my life out and you’re just mocking.’
‘I’m not… I’m all for the two of you getting married. It should settle you down no end.’
‘I know, I know. And it has. And being able to close the door on Daniel like that has clarified for me how I feel. I mean, if I had any doubts… and marrying someone is a big deal… and I really do love Keith… but still, you know…’
Colette paused in the consumption of her goat’s cheese and bacon tartlet. ‘Kate, what is it you’re trying to say?’
What was it I was trying to say or not say? What was it I couldn’t (couldn’t possibly) say out loud – almost couldn’t even think?
‘Oh, nothing. Keith and I are about to set a date. Maybe I’m a little jittery about it.’
‘You know, Kate,’ she said seriously, ‘if you’re jittery at all…’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know.’
‘Look,’ she said, putting her knife and fork on the table, ‘it’s all about expectations. Yours and his. Every marriage is different. Some of them seem normal enough, some of them probably are normal enough, loads of them are bizarre. But the thing is, none of that matters. If one marriage works one way, the next one works in a completely different way. It depends on what the two of you want out of it. Look at me and Brian. We met, we liked each other, we had fun, we enjoyed the sex, we were getting older, we decided to get married. And it’s good, it’s very good, but it wouldn’t be for everybody. I’m sure plenty of people look at the two of us and think how boring it must be. And sometimes it is, but most of the time it’s just getting on with life in a fairly smooth way. I couldn’t take all the dramas of your life, and with Brian I’m unlikely to have to. That’s what I wanted, and it’s what Brian wanted. We like our jobs, we like our kids, we like each other, we like our house. It’s not very complicated and it works.’
I was listening intently, almost as if Colette was giving me a grind the night before the Leaving Cert on how to pass without having done any work. I was desperately trying to learn something.
‘Now for you,’ she continued, ‘from what I know of