skin and throw it into the flames and walk around in my bones because then maybe this all will go away. Maybe my bones will turn to dust and I will float away, on the breeze, free like I have always wanted.
[Transcription]:
There never was any choice I know that now but Dee my soul is burning! I want to cast off my skin and throw it into the flames and walk around in my bones because then maybe this all will go away. Maybe my bones will turn to dust and I will float away, on the breeze, free like I have always wanted.
I know, I’ll try, but it’s so hard, it’s so painful. Everything is over, I just want it to be over, I don’t know why I am here to suffer like this, do you find it funny? Is that what I am? A joke? An experiment?
Ari was in the chapel on the hill and somehow I knew he would be. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew I had no choice. My feet carried me up there without my brain engaging because it was simply the way it had to be.
Because, Dee, it suddenly made so much sense. I had to talk to him, find out. Because it wasn’t John, you see? Because John is gone now and this is still happening. John… I’m so sorry. My friend, my brother—you were trying to save me, for so long. I’m sorry I couldn’t see it! I’m sorry you ever had to see me in Masqued, that I was ever here to taint your life. You were innocent.
It wasn’t Scott either, because Scott has been with Naida, and I still feel the school pulsing its filthy energy into me. And it’s not Haji because he’s the one who warned me in the first place, and he’s gone away. Brett is dead—oh, God, so much death. And that leaves Ari.
Ari, who hung the bind Haji gave me. Ari, who comforted me and told me everything was going to be okay. Ari, who told me I was his forever and who kissed me and touched me and—
This whole time Ari has been the link.
It was Ari.
I couldn’t believe it at first, but I had to know. So I went to talk to him. Just to talk, you understand? I think he was expecting me, because he was different. He was so happy, smiling, almost laughing. I remember it all so clearly please God I wish I didn’t.
He said, “Oh, Kaitie,” and I said, “Yes.” I said, “It was you all along, right? You’re the Shyan.” He smiled gently and said, “It’s not that simple.” My whole chest was concave. He said, “It’s just a technicality.”
“A technicality? What do you mean?” I said. He said that nothing was ever that simple and that “all is fair in love and war.” “Why are you doing this?” I asked, and he laughed and said he wanted me. “I want you. I love you; can’t you see that? I want to free you. Why else all this trouble?”
“Trouble. Is Carly trouble?” I said. “Is Juliet trouble? What about John and Brett and Naida? Are they all trouble too?”
“Yes.” He said yes. So simple. So blunt. I couldn’t believe I was talking to my Ari. “I’m sorry, Kaitie. I don’t mean to sound so glib. Not at all. But I had to free you. You were trapped. They were keeping you hostage in your own double life.”
“What happened to you?” I said, but the words barely left my mouth.
“I am what I am,” he said, “and I love you more than anything.”
“No. No no no.” I told him that over and over but he just stepped closer and closer and whispered “yes” over and over and it was pointless and also important.
“I don’t understand. How did you know about all this stuff?”
“Army brat,” he said, smiling in a way that was not joyful, not at all. “Remember? I’ve lived in so many places I’ve lost count. When I went to the Orkney Islands, I met an intriguing woman. She used to live on Fair Island and knew Naida’s grandmother—had studied under her. She taught me a lot. I dabbled in witchcraft for a while, and some voodoo as well.” He smiled, as though remembering fondly. “But when I heard about Mala, I was intrigued. It’s much more ancient, much more potent.”
“What about the Grúndi? How could you mess with that stuff? How