marriage bullshit has finally pushed me over the edge, and I am now residing in Crazy Town on Batshit Road.
“Bodhi didn’t travel all over the world for twelve years because he was a free-spirited hippie who couldn’t settle down.” Millie laughs softly, setting her mug on the counter and folding her hands together to rest them next to it. “He traveled so much because he never found a place that gave him a reason to stay.”
My heart starts thumping faster, and I set my own mug down to press my hand against my chest to try to get it to slow down, while I lean all my weight on my other hand on the counter since my knees feel like giving out as she continues.
“You’re his reason to stay, Tess. And if you don’t want to turn out like your parents… then don’t.” She shrugs like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
“Right, so I’ll just snap my fingers, and it will magically happen. Okay, sure.” I laugh with a roll of my eyes, rubbing the heel of my hand harder against the weird ache in my chest that I’m thinking might be a heart attack.
“I’m pretty sure the fact that you’re freaking out and spending all this time worrying about becoming your parents just proves it will never happen. Do you think your parents spent one second freaking out that they were bad parents?”
The idea of that happening actually makes a giggle bubble out of me, and what she’s saying starts to actually penetrate my hardheaded skull as she keeps going.
“And correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re not exactly a passive person, right?” Millie asks. She doesn’t wait for me to reply as my skin breaks out in a cold sweat. “Let’s say you and Bodhi get hitched. Are you really the type of person who will sit back and let your life and your marriage turn into something you don’t want?”
I’m shaking my head right along with her, but my throat is so tight with emotion I can’t speak. Luckily, Millie does it for me.
“Hell no!” she shouts, slamming her fist against the counter and rattling our mugs. “You’re going to fight, and scream, and claw, and burn the fucking house down to get what you want. Your marriage is whatever you make of it, Tess. Because it’s yours, and no one else’s. It’s unique to just you and Bodhi, and only you and Bodhi will know what you want or how to make it work.”
She makes it sound so simple.
Because maybe it is. Maybe marriage doesn’t mean yelling, and hatred, and forgetting what’s important. Maybe mine and Bodhi’s marriage… perhaps… could mean a little bit more. Maybe all this time, I’ve been fighting in the wrong direction. I’ve been fighting so hard against becoming my parents and denying myself any kind of real happiness that I haven’t even given myself the chance to prove I am already nothing like them. And I never will be, because I am a fighter, and I will burn the fucking house down to get what I want.
And what I want is for Bodhi to stay forever.
Legally.
So that I can own his ass if he ever tries to leave me.
“Your first marriage should always be for love, and you and Bodhi are totes in love.” Millie gives me a reassuring nod, unclasping her hands to slide one across the counter and rest it on top of mine that’s still the only thing holding me up at this point. “And if you don’t want a big fancy wedding, don’t do a big fancy wedding. My third wedding was in a bathroom at Vin Diesel’s house, and Adam Levine officiated. But the third one is always for money and or pity, so we don’t need to worry about that one right now.”
Millie pats my hand and then grabs her tea, taking a sip while everything I have ever thought about life and marriage and what I wanted out of my future explodes inside my brain in a blazing inferno.
I’ll never find another guy who loves me the way Bodhi does, or takes care of me the way Bodhi does, or puts up with my bullshit the way Bodhi does. Who loves me because of my crazy and not in spite of it. Who didn’t care why I loved fire, only that it made me happy, and who made me throw out all my plans once before, and I guess it didn’t turn out