He pressed back into the couch, hands roughly rubbing at his face, as if he could erase all of the emotions that had been bogging him down all day. “Tired, I guess.”
“D-do you need me to go?” I wanted him to say no. I wanted him to want me here with him.
“Whatever is fine. I’m just drained.”
“C-can we t-talk about it?” I pressed, my hands tightening into nervous fists in my lap.
He looked at me, brows scrunched together. “You want to talk about how I’m tired?” The question sounded more like he was asking if I was really that stupid. My breath hitched.
“I want to talk about how you’ve been k-kind of...s-sharp, and distracted. Since Kyle came.”
“Sharp? What is that supposed to mean?” He sat up, putting his elbows on his knees. A man half ready to run or dig in.
“Like this,” I said, gesturing between us. “You s-snap at me, or d-don’t let me help. You won’t t...t-talk to me.” My stutter was surging and I switched to signing without thinking. “You aren’t being nice and it sucks.”
He scowled. “I’m not that good at signing, Javi. I have no idea what you just said.”
Before I could compose myself, he went on. “You just want so much from me, Javi, and I don’t have anything to give right now. Between trying to make my new clients happy and Giuliana—and, yes, Kyle showing back up—I have a lot on my fucking mind. If I’m a little sharp, it’s because everything feels so overwhelming and you’re here, acting like a puppy that needs pets all of the time, this kind of constant reassurance, and I fucking can’t do it.”
I rocked back like he’d slapped me. The analogy was so, so hurtful that it took me precious seconds to simply absorb it. He’d compared me to a dog. A needy, clingy puppy when all I’d been doing was trying to help, like we were partners. Equals. Was that how he viewed me? And Kyle. It seemed obvious to me that he should have told Kyle to go the hell away—so if he was still thinking about him, what did that mean?
“I d-d-didn’t realize I was b-becoming such a b-burden,” I replied.
Gordo pressed his palms into his eyes before dragging his hands over his face. “Ah, shit, Javi, that’s not what I meant. You know I don’t think that about you—I love you. I’m sorry. I just...I don’t know what I’m doing right now. It’s all just so much.”
I heard his apology, but it didn’t stick. I was still stuck on what he’d said before. Because while I knew he was upset...what if that was how he pictured me? Just another obligation he had to tend to. It stung at first, then swelled up, and finally erupted with toxic thoughts in my heart.
“S...s-so here’s the thing. I’m feeling s-s-scared now because this was a pattern in my past. People acted b-b-badly to me, s-saying hurtful things, right before they left, like the rejection would hurt less if they’d treated me like shit.” Just saying it out loud sent me retreating into the darker corners of my mind. “You c-clearly need s-some space now.”
I did, too, because if I stayed...I was afraid I’d be staying just to be left, and I wasn’t going to do that to myself.
“Tell Little Miss G I love her.” With that, I stood, trying to wrap an iron box around my hurt before it spilled out.
Gordo caught me at the door. “Javi, I’m just asking for time to think.”
Shutting my eyes, I nodded. My mind was filling in the blanks; I knew where this was going. “T-to think about us? Rethink us?”
My eyes were startled open by his gentle kiss. “No, not us. Never you and me, Javi. I meant it when I said I love you. But Kyle was a major part of my life, and now he seems to think that means he can sneak back in. I think I just need to find a way to cut him out forever before I can keep moving forward with you.”
I wanted to believe him. But I was already sinking into the darkness of my past. Ready to escape while I could, I mumbled, “I’ll give you as much time as you need.”
Gordo kissed me again. It was deep, his tongue probing my mouth, seeking out my taste. Perhaps seeking forgiveness. But I felt too empty at the moment, submitting to his kiss on instinct more than anything else.