it off and kissed the tip of my nose. “You know I love you, right?”
I nodded, and then I left. As I walked to my house, my mind kept twisting those last words from “you know I love you” to “goodbye.”
“Yo, Javi, come back to us.” Dane slid his chair next to mine. It was donuts and discussion time in the morning at the shop, and I had sunk too far into my worry to pay attention to the meeting.
“S-sorry,” I said.
“What’s going on?” Reagan asked. I saw all of their eyes on me: Dane, Trinity, Mateo, Bryce, and Reagan. All of them, even Bryce, looked concerned.
“Will you translate for Bryce?” I signed and Trinity automatically took up the role. While the new guy knew I signed when upset, he wasn’t fluent in ASL. But I knew what it was like to feel left out, and I didn’t want to do that to him.
“That was Gordo’s ex-husband at the cookout,” I started.
“The smug asshole who crashed?” Dane asked. I nodded.
“He’s trying to get back with Gordo. He’s been pestering him for weeks. After he left, when I spent time with Gordo, he was moody. Distant and sometimes a bit short with me.”
“Oh, hell, no,” Trinity inserted after telling Bryce what I’d been saying. I cocked my head, waiting to see if she was finished. She snorted and I continued.
“When I asked him about it, he told me he needed time to think about Kyle. He said it was to find a way to get rid of him. I told him I’d give him time, but it has been days and he hasn’t called or texted. I can’t help but feel like he’s going to break up with me. Like the longer we are apart, the more time he has to think about how Kyle would be better for him and Giuliana.”
“Well, fuck, Javi,” Reagan said. “That’s a lot of weight to carry.”
Dane shrugged. “Maybe it’s better to escape now, before he can really hurt you.”
Trinity punched him in the arm, hard, but I caught something in his face just before. He hadn’t been looking at me when he said it, but staring at someone who wasn’t there. I could guess who Dane was thinking about. I hadn’t seen Christian with Dane once at the cookout, or in the days since.
In this pronounced absence, Dane’s humor had become dulled and his focus distant. Not for the first time, I wondered what had happened between them. Unlike me, though, Dane had never been willing to share what was going on. And I’d never pushed him because his friendship was so important to me, and I wanted to respect his boundaries.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to be scared of being hurt anymore. I already am hurting. I know this is just shit from my past that is trying to suck me down. The more I think about it, the more twisted it gets. I know that my mind is lying to me, trying to keep me in a dark place. But knowing it is one thing. Getting out of it is what feels helpless. I want Gordo, and I’m too afraid to ask him to help.”
Bryce, of all people, piped in. “Look, we’re still getting to know each other, Javi. But I watched you and Gordo at the cookout. The way you leaned into each other, and damn, that kiss you gave him when that ass showed up? That was a kiss. I think he really is trying to get shit figured out so he can come to you with a clean slate. Until then, you know you have us, right? We’ll hold you up until Gordo comes around.”
Trinity smiled. “Reagan, I hereby promote Bryce from Apprentice to Awesomesauce Coworker.”
That managed to pull a small laugh out of me. It helped, truly, to feel the love and support of my crew. What was more of an effort was trying to believe that they were right about Gordo. There was a difference between what they viewed as taking care of myself and what my own experiences had taught me.
So while I wanted to cling to this idea that Gordo wasn’t pushing me away or preparing himself to break it off with me, I also couldn’t help viewing his distance as a sign of things to come. I had to protect myself, and that meant asking difficult questions like whether I could take much more of his hot and cold without compromising myself.