starved not only for oxygen but for calm. Rather than helping me figure out what to do about Kyle, the call evoked in me feelings that were growing, thick and viscous, filling all the nooks and crannies of my soul.
I had feelings for Javi.
Not just wanting to jump his bones, not thinking that he’s sexy and someone I’d like to have a good time with in bed. Christian had been spot on. I thought of Javi when I woke up, hoping I’d get a chance to see him that day. I loved when he came over for lunch or dinner. It was a joy to see him play with Giuliana.
Javi slid into our life seamlessly, knowing when I needed help or when I just wanted another adult to talk to at the end of a baby-filled day. His smile… his smile was often the highlight of my day. It boosted me, lifting me up and making me want to be more.
And now his pizza was getting cold. I was going to have to bring it in and face him, knowing what I knew now. That things would never be the same for me. This wanting hadn’t snuck up; I’d been wrestling with wanting more with someone for too long. But what had slipped in when I wasn’t paying attention was the who. Because it was only Javi’s face in my mind, now.
The line to get into the tattoo shop was still long, but Trinity was at the front desk, and she waved me in. “Go sit at his station, he’s just finishing up.”
I wound my way over, taking the seat next to Javi. When he finished a line of color, he looked at me and smiled. My insides began to burst like fireworks, and I was thrilled and terrified and totally, completely smitten.
“Got you food,” I said.
“It smells good. I can’t eat while I’m gloved up and tattooing, though.”
I looked down as I asked, timidly, if I was allowed to feed him bites.
“Yeah, I think we can do that if I swivel away from my station.”
So we did just that. He’d focus on an area of color, trying to explain to me what he was doing for the tattoo. After a few minutes, he’d wipe the skin and turn to lean so that the food wasn’t close to his hands or client. I’d poke a piece of pizza in his mouth, wishing his tongue would dart out to lick my fingers. It didn’t.
When I glanced at the clock, I wanted to growl in frustration. I wanted to stay, to be close to him. Watching him work, so confident and talented, added new dimensions to the already complex idea of him I had. “I have to go,” I said dejectedly. “I have a video conference with a new client.”
“No shit? A paying one?” Javi sounded so genuinely pleased, it made my mouth dry. As we’d gotten to know each other, I’d let him in on the fact that I was doing the center’s work basically pro bono in an effort to start a portfolio.
“Yep. First paying client, and they come with a lot of networking potential.”
“I’m so proud of you, Gordo. We should c-celebrate soon.”
“How about tonight? Come over after all this and we can toast both of our successes?” I’d invited him over plenty of times. But this time it felt different...and I suspected it sounded different to Javi, too. I knew it was because of the talk with Christian.
Javi blushed briefly and for a quick second I thought he might say no. But instead, he smiled.
“S-sure. See you tonight.”
“Fuck. Yes.” My video conference had ended and somehow I’d not only nabbed a full half a year of work with them, but they were going to send some other people my way, too. It was a dream of a call, and I’d scoff and call it luck, but I’d been busting ass for it. I had made it happen, and I relished the moment even more because of it.
There was a knock on my front door about a half hour later. Mason was there, Giuliana in his arms. “I don’t want to give her back,” he said. “Don’t make me.”
“I’m pretty sure kidnapping is against the law. I’d have to call you to arrest yourself.”
Giuliana giggled as Mason passed her over. It struck me how big she was getting. Only a few hours away, and it felt like I was seeing a whole new baby. Just weeks ago she’d been