struggling to do tummy time, her arms and head floppy. Now she was this ball of energy and strength, her blue eyes turning dark. They’d most likely end up brown, like mine, which made me want to explode in pride and love.
“Thanks for watching her, Mason.”
“Thanks for letting me, Gordo. Everything going okay? Haven’t talked to you in a while. You’ve been busy.”
I couldn’t tell if it was a critique or just him being my brother, fleecing me for information, but regardless, I launched into a quick rundown of the call and what it would mean for the foreseeable future.
“That’s fucking awesome! Should I come by later for a beer?” I frowned. I didn’t mean to, but my brother—ever the detective—saw it. “You don’t want me to?”
“Well, it’s just that—” my eyes drifted in the direction of Javi’s house, before I could think better of it.
“You have a date with your neighbor? The one you barfed on?”
“Not a date date, but—”
Mason reached over and squeezed my shoulder. “Thank God. I was worried—I hope it ends well. Call me tomorrow with details! But, you know, not too much detail.”
Giuliana and I watched him get into his car and go, but I didn’t take her back inside just yet. It was finally not oppressively hot in the evenings. The sun was low in the west, the orange hue a vivid sign that the sunset promised to be spectacular. I sat with my girl on the porch swing, enjoying the hint of breeze that came from swinging.
“Oh, Giuliana. I don’t know what I’m doing,” I said as we snuggled and swung together. “I thought that the best way to be your dad was to not let anyone else in. But I gotta say, kid, I’m kind of falling hard for Javi. At first I was scared that someone new would desert you and me. Then I decided that I couldn’t bear someone who couldn’t love you and accept you. But,” I lifted her and nuzzled her cheek until she burst into peals of laughter, “I don’t think Javi will have a problem with that. You like him, don’t you?”
She gurgled. Then blew a raspberry.
“Me too, kid. Me, too.”
Dinner couldn’t have been more awkward if I’d tried to make it so. The conversation wasn’t flowing like it usually did, and I noticed that Javi seemed just as stiff as I did. Some celebration. But what could I do? My mind was consumed with the day’s revelations about my feelings for Javi...and the permission to act on them, if I could just stop being so afraid.
Javi refilled my glass of wine, only pouring a half measure for himself after. “Drinking too much makes the stutter worse,” he explained.
“That makes sense.” I picked up my glass and drank it all in one go. Javi’s hazel eyes widened.
“Are you okay?” Javi asked. “Something is bothering you.”
There were so many things I could have done. I could lie, which was honestly what my initial instinct was. I could have gone to get Giuliana from her playmat, or talked about work, or any number of things, and Javi would have let me. But, damn me, I wanted to tell the truth. My hands shook, and I placed them flat on the table to still them.
Javi reached out and put a hand over one of mine. The heat and rough callused press of his palm and fingers was enough to shake me. And then he added in his low, gravel croon, “It’s okay. You can tell me anything.”
Fuck it. Here goes everything. “I… I have feelings for you, Javi. And it kind of sucks, because I had this plan where I was going to focus on me and Giuliana, and our little family of two, and I thought that would be enough. I thought it would be necessary.
“Because being a dad is so freaking hard, and I just want to be good at it, and how can I be good at it if I’m distracted by someone else? What if I don’t have enough love or time or energy to go around? I don’t know. What I do know is that I thought it was okay with the two of us, but now you’re always here, and it feels like three of us and instead of hating that...I kind of love it.”
All of my words came out in a gush, unwilling to let me stop them once I’d started. It was an inelegant speech, but it was the most honest