pissed off at himself if he even re
motely thinks of anything that would just be about him." Damali stood and began walking, raking her locks, her voice low and frantic. "It's crazy. I sat up with him almost all night and listened to him telling me about how, after all the self-indulgent shit he'd done in his life, he didn't have the right to drag the entire planet into his beef, and definitely wasn't trying to lose a brother or sister-in-law to anything he'd done. So his way of trying to make up for it was to give up any of his vices."
"Oh, shit," Marlene said, standing and beginning to walk in a dizzying circle with Damali.
"But you're married - even ministers - "
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Damali said, holding up her hands. "But he wants to save that for procreation, which we're not ready to do, okay?"
Marlene stopped pacing. "Are you serious? Carlos?"
"Would I lie about something that freakin' serious, Mar lene?" Marlene covered her mouth, gaping, eyes wide.
" He wants to stay in conference with Adam and Ausar. Wants to remain battle focused and alert to deflect any incursion. Wants to have committee sanction from the archon's table before making any moves ... wants - "
"But his best weapon was the fact that he was unpredictable!" Marlene nearly shrieked and then monitored her voice. "He was our side's loose cannon, our machine gun of high risk, our ace in the hole because his ass was so damned crazy...you have to heal his mind, Damali. Put the Caduceus - "
"He wouldn't let me near him with it," Damali said between her teeth, panic roiling so hard and fast within her that she was becoming nauseous. "Said if the Unnamed One did Lilith in a throne, and he had an old tie there, he didn't want any possibility whatsoever of that blackening the Caduceus, or entering me through him, and - "
"Go to Nefertiti," Marlene said, breathless. "She'll know what to do, maybe her or Aset,
and then they can get Ausar to scan him, check him - "
"If I do that without Carlos's permission, have you any idea the humiliation that could cause, and then the fallout from that shit, Marlene?" Damali paced away to stand by the windows, hugging herself.
"You're right, you're right," Marlene said, her hands up before her chest. "I stand corrected. It's just that my placebo was designed to bring back joy, a reason to live, a reason to focus on the here and now between each pair, with hope burning brightly for the future - no matter the circumstances or how dark it looks right now." She slowly brought her hands down and used the gentleness in her voice to make Damali look at her. "Love was there, strong, but hope was dimming. I used love to take us to hope. Hope is pure silver, Damali, you know that," Marlene said quietly. "Add it with love and it brings back weakened faith, white light even at the darkest hour. Once I truly understood what we were up against I knew in my soul that those guys needed a prime directive, a mission to remain cohesive so that fear and blame wouldn't splinter the team. After we wigged and brought down their battle high, because we were so scared, I needed a surefire way to get all the nagging doubts to stop. They needed a shot... er... in the arm, so to speak - and the women needed to feel that confidence so they'd rally with them. One mind, one body, one spirit - unbroken. Last night, everybody but the main one who needed it, got that. Listen to them out there. Carlos's booming laughter should be leading the trash-talking fest."
Damali nodded and fought a sob. "He has no joy in him right now, Mar. Fear has eclipsed hope - not for fear of what will happen to him, but to me or the team. His faith that he's being guided by the right side is shaky at best. The only thing grounding him is love. Guilt from things past is eating him alive ... he even told me not to open my wings around him, in case something that will remain nameless from that throne accidentally attached to him. He won't let me lay healing hands on him, and barely let me hug him to drift off to sleep." Marlene let her breath out hard and closed her eyes. "Baby, the man cannot carry