A Crown Of Fire And Wrath (The Shadow Walkers Saga #5) - Sloane Murphy Page 0,59
way in here, but that suits me.
The darkness around me matches the darkness I feel inside.
I’ve never been one to wallow. I’ve always just picked myself up and got the fuck on with things. But I guess that’s part of the reason I’m here now. Every time I stuffed it down, and just carried on, that emotion didn’t disappear. It festered.
And now I’m drowning in it all.
The pain of being betrayed and murdered by my family. The hurt of losing my children. The one with Levi, and the loss of my child from when I was human. The loss of Everly. The knowledge that my mother wasn’t strong enough to fight for me against my father and grandfather. A few small but epically important moments from a millennia of memories that keep pushing me under the waves of my pain and grief. There are just lifetimes of love and loss churning around inside of me.
What makes it even harder, are the many different reflections of myself. I don’t recognize myself anymore, I don’t know which of them I’m meant to be. I’ve been so many things to so many different people. What if the guys don’t love the me I’m becoming? Fate knows I’m not the girl they fell in love with. Any of them. They each loved different versions of me. Each with different fears, different drives, different loves.
And now, I feel like a shell of them all. Like I’m watching a movie about someone who looks and talks like me, but isn’t me at all. There’s just so much loss in my heart that I haven’t dealt with, and it keeps pulling me under and threatening to carry me out with the tide. I’ve never felt so hopeless in my life.
I pull the covers up over my head. Even in the darkness, it’s like an extra shield against the world outside. Even if the torture is coming from within.
At the click of the door opening, I stifle the groan that threatens.
“Mara?” Caleb’s voice is quiet, but I stay still, because I’m not sure I’m ready to face him, or anyone yet. I’ve never broken like I broke yesterday. To have shown up here and just fallen apart like that, crying all over him, shame makes my blood heat. “I know you’re not asleep.”
The bed dips in front of me and I sigh.
“I’m not going to let you wallow Mara. That’s not who I am, and it sure as hell isn’t who you are. Talk to me. Let me help you. I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about you. Morgan wouldn’t tell us anything, and I’m hurting because you’re hurting. You know I’m here for you. No matter what. We will literally unleash Hell on Earth if that’s what you need.”
I crawl out from under the covers, and he gets in next to me, pulling me into his side.
“You might think differently when I tell you,” I say softly and he squeezes me tighter. It feels wrong almost, telling him before I tell Levi, but I know deep down, that Caleb’s being honest. Nothing I say or do will change things between us. We’ve been us for too long, that bond between us runs too deep. I know that my pain will be hurting him because of it. I wish I could make it stop, but I know I can’t.
I take a deep breath and tell him everything. Every little thing that has been haunting me. Every single pain that I stuffed down and never dealt with. All those things that happened when I didn’t know he existed, but I know if he had known what was happening, he’d have tried to keep me here and never let me out ever again. I know this by the way he gets stiffer beside me as I tell him everything. I can practically feel the rage coming from him, but it’s almost comforting, because I know he’s not directing it at me.
“Mara,” he says, practically growling. “You are the person you’ve always been. Just because there are different forms of it, at the root of it all you’re still you. The person who helped us overthrow a tyrant. The person who risked everything to save my life. Who gives so selflessly, and feels so deeply. All of this pain, it isn’t who you are, but it has helped to shape you. You’re like a phoenix and you’ll rise from this, stronger than before. And I will be there every step of